I think I want to be a writer.  Of course what I write on this blog is not a true reflection of what I can do, but it is a nice exercise that gets my mind in the mode to write, I just never do anything useful with that mode turned on.  I love music just the same, so I am trying to figure out how to balance that out.  This is the only space I can come to and really open up myself without telling the whole story out of fear of a number of things that are associated with communicating from one human being to another and the things that can go wrong within that communication boundary.  Here I have no boundary line, my only boundary is within myself and what I allow myself to let myself hear.  This is surprisingly a difficult obstacle to cross because I never liked hearing myself think because for some reason it embarrassed me to know myself.  I do that with my music as well.  I do not sing because I do not like to hear myself sing to my songs.  I am slowly getting over that and over time I will start adding lyrical content to my music but for now it's all instrumental.  

I have always told myself I will not do jobs that are ordinary just for the sake of money, rather I will do what I have a passion for and money will fall in line.  During the process of course we will have to do things we do not want to do in order to the things that we do want to do, but there is a line there that often gets crossed after a certain period.  I have often watched people do those things that they did not want to do (including myself) and find that they didn't mind the job as long as the paycheck kept coming.  I don't have a problem with that, I mean I can understand if someone has a lot of responsibility such as a family to feed and bills to pay for that family, but I have watched ambitious people settle for things that were less ambitious than they anticipated.  I am 19 years old, turning 20 in may and all I keep thinking is, where will I really be in five years.  Will I really be in L.A. or will I fall out of my dream and work on houses and mow lawns like my dad.  That will never happen unless I apply a what if attitude during the whole process of trying to get there because that what if attitude will keep me tied down to myself.  We have to just go for it with everything and with good faith.  I believe in myself, most of the time, but there will be times when I just get crazy and stop following my dream because I am too involved in my situation at the moment that I will not be able to look any further than the problem at hand.  Not saying you shouldn't deal with the problem at hand, but when you deal tediously with the problem for so long, you begin to focus so much on that problem that the future seems to slip away.  

I am hopeful for the future, but for that hope to prove true, we cannot just hope, we have to take action and let that hope guide us in getting us up and making our dream happen.  Every day should be a gift not a burden.  If your days are a burden, then you should begin to question what it is you are doing and trying to do and how well you are treating yourself and keeping your self in mental and physical order.  No one is to blame but ourselves and that is a goddamn fact.

note to self: GET THE FUCK UP AND GET BUSY!!!

finally after much conflict with font and fade, my poetry section is done.  There are flaws, I tried to make it perfect but it was just too exhaustive for me to keep doing.

The theory of love is something I had always been interested in.  Falling in love was something I wanted and something I had always dreamed of having, but I never thought of love and hatred on the same level as one another.  After being in and out of relationships and such I started thinking about what all of it had meant in my life from beginning to present.  I wanted to explore the opposite of love, which is hatred.  I never “really” wanted to explore hatred but I seemed to have been driven to it so as an added bonus I wanted to focus on the sensation of hatred and how it is similar and different from love.  During my period of being “in love” I experienced extreme elation and increased perception of things around me.  After falling out of love, I never seemed to like that person anymore and took it extremely personal each time.  I thrived on that dislike until the grey turned black and I began to hate relationships.  I began experimenting with hatred as a form of elation and form of perception.  I began to like the dislike.  I liked hatred just as I had liked liking.  For me this wasn’t so miserable as one could imagine so, but in my tiny little mind I wondered if I could like again just as I had liked before I was tainted with love’s little secret of dishonesty.  I tested and tested, trying out new relationships every few months, failure after failure, disregarding the fact that I had really been screwed over.  I disregarded lightly only because I had received the blow before and knew a little more of how to handle the afterwards part of it all.  Fast-forward to now and I see myself as completely at a halt in my beliefs toward anything.  I neither hate nor love, which according to Dante is worse than one or the other.  I see myself detached from any particular sex now, which some consider bisexual, but really it’s more a form of asexual because I don’t feel much anymore for any type of relationship.  Where I am getting at is because I detached myself so much from my feelings to study what I was feeling, I became without feeling.  I became so sick of feeling great and feeling bad because the two seemed to just run back to back in a cycle from periods of falling in love and falling out of love.  I am slowly finding ways to love my surroundings again, but I must say the experience left me somewhat damaged inside.  With any theory, there will be a process of discovery and a process of finding our way back to where we started just as water does in the water cycle.  We are all like glaciers on top of a mountain slowly melting and forming rivers, trying to find the ocean, but until we get there, we must enjoy every moment and not searching for something beyond our capabilities.

The following quote is from Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein.

“I see by your eagerness and the wonder and hope which your eyes express, my friend, that you expect to be informed of the secret with which I am acquainted; that cannot be: listen patiently until the end of my story, and you will easily perceive why I am reserved upon that subject.  I will not lead you on, unguarded and ardent as I then was, to your destruction and infallible misery.  Learn from me, if not by my precepts, at least by my example, how dangerous is the acquirement of knowledge and how much happier that man is who believes his native town to be the world, than he who aspires to become greater than nature will allow”

We search for something we want in this life, but until we realize we will not find until the end, we have to find ways of being happy and that includes focusing on the now and not focusing on our future wants.  We are unhappy as a nation because of our habits that we have always been taught.  For me that habit was relationships, which turned bad because of who I was.  Now I am attempting, the best I can, to reestablish a connection with nature and myself that I once used to have before I set out looking for the perfect girl.  It will find it’s way to me in time; I just have to get on my path first then while on my path I will spot someone who is going the same way.  Never meet anybody coming the other way.  That is my feeble attempt at explaining a theory of cycle.

Holy shit.  I feel like screaming out of joy right now.  I feel so good getting out of the house after a month of sitting in my dark room making little music for myself.  I am at Starbucks at the moment and I came here to read psychology text for school.  I can't even focus I am so excited about everything for some reason.  I am very elated and different.  I can feel spring right around the corner ready to take my hand and guide me to something new.  I am very hopeful today and alive.

I swear I think I have become afraid of the public.  I cannot get myself to get out of my house without having a near panic attack.  No joke, this is ridiculous.  I guess I will just have to just break through myself.

Talked with my mom a minute ago about a certain person in a leadership position that people often complain about.  While I was discussing with her my experiences with this person and what I thought about it, I stopped my gossip and thought to myself, you know if this person had a job position that fit their personality, people would be telling him how good of a job he is doing, not how much he is lacking in his people skills.  Too often people find themselves guided by something that truly isn't there.  As a result, they end up somewhere, where they think they should be, but everyone else knows that he shouldn't.  Finding the things we are good at is important, but doing what we love is even better.  In this mans case, he loves doing what he is doing, I think, but isn't totally great at it in one area.  We shouldn't necessarily judge him by that because there are plenty of things we do that fit our personality, but others parts don't and as a result we lack in a particular area.  The answer is of course to work on those skills and take criticism with an open mind to do better at the job we love doing.

Reminds me of a quote a friend on facebook put on her profile the other day.
‎
"Everybody is a genius. But, if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing that it is stupid."
- Albert Einstein

I have a mind that I truly believe in and I do anything it takes to protect that.  I am not necessarily saying that I am closed minded.  I am open to new ideas, but the old ideas I believed in get on my nerves when I try to push forward.  In this life we cannot believe everything.  It is up to us to progress into what we think we need to progress with.  In my case, I can only progress by allowing myself to not necessarily believe that there is a god out there.  I become full of hate when I am surrounded by things that keep me stuck in the ground.  Last night that hate came out when I was pushed over the edge.  Some say I have anger issues, some say it's satan, some say it's disrespect, some say it's the computer, but I say it's those people pushing me into trying to make me believe in something I cannot and will not believe.  I am completely fine when my family does not bring up religion or god, but when it is brought up I just can't help but to think back on all the times I have seen people do shitty things to me in the name of religion, so I cannot help but to become upset.  I believe in the human condition.  When I see people living like trash and talking about god, I think to myself, why the fuck would people want to believe in that.  It's like those people use god to justify their conditions.  That doesn't go for everyone, there are rich people that believe in god.  I just choose not to and it upsets me that I am not allowed to question their believe, but they sure can question mine.

Earlier, I finally admitted to my mother, under terrible circumstances, that I was indeed atheist, or whatever it needs to be called.  I actually just told her I didn't believe in her god.  Of course it got out of hand, but that was mostly my fault.  I'm just tired of the same fucking routine each and every day of living in a house that I don't believe in.  I try so hard to keep cool when I hear dumbfucks talk, but I couldn't do it today, I blew.  I hate my existence truthfully, I hate this bubble I live in.  I'm growing to hate people in general, as most are worthless.  All of this tells me that I need to move and find another way to live that will bring out the best in me.  But guess what? I have no fucking car, no fucking job, still in school, fucking stuck!
Unless I run.

I've been playing around with my jazzmutant lemur like a child here lately.  It's colors are beautiful and the possibilities are truly limitless.  I've been using a thing called granular synthesis using max and what I do is throw my audio files, well my little idea loops from reason and throw them into this and it twists the sound around and creates something new and beautiful.  It reminds me of my old ideas that I used to have a few years ago.  I lost hold of who I was for a while, through relationships and such, but now that I am digging up those old and ambitious ideas, I can craft together those ideas in an up to date way using what I know now and using the tools I have acquired.

On a separate note I would like to say a couple of things before I continue anything else.  I have to let this out.  I know you know what I am about to say and I know you will read this so I am going to be careful of what I say about all of this.
I was in your position six months ago, being with someone who used my company and resources and heart.  I cannot say that I went to great lengths that you did to try to acquire a certain kind of love for you that I just did not possess inside.  I will say that you did care for me greatly (for selfish and unselfish reasons alike), and you did good at fooling me.  Beyond doing a good job of fooling me, I still noticed something you seemed you never wanted to admit to yourself.  Beyond your surface life, you showed me your raw potential at being honest to yourself and I saw what was inside you that no one else got to see.  I know that it didn't turn out well for you and I, for good reason (which you know) but don't let that stop you from conquering everything you dreamed of conquering.  I know you wanted me in the picture, but let me tell you, I wanted a lot of people in the picture, but I do not have that today.  Since we've stopped talking, I have been through hell with relationships.  Had my heart broken four different times (ha once by you, but not by you if you know what I mean).  I know how that feels, but I also know that you tried harder than I on one individual person, and for that I say I am sorry.  Sorry for letting you drown like you did because of my ignorance.  It is time for you to resurface and get back the honor you deserve for yourself so you can help people conquer their past.  You know me well, better than most people, even though we don't talk anymore; people do not change much.  I have a past to, but I do things to beat that in the ground.  I make music that releases something inside of me and lets me know that I now have room to do the things I was meant to do.  We have a dark side...you and I.  We are showing that, well me anyways.  My advice to you is this.  No matter what you are, we are all the same.  Let it out.  Be free.  If people hate you for it, then they were never meant to love you.  You will wade through these people my friend and you will find that group that you have been looking for and dreaming about.  It's hard, but not impossible.

I don't know exactly what I am getting myself into, but I know that this is what I wanted.  There is just something about myself that wants something that not many people go after.  I go after things that I know make me feel.  I go after things that make me cry.  I go after you and you and you, but still you all never went after me.  That is why I am going to play a game of rummy with my dad, because at least there is a chance of winning there.  With you all, there was just a big fucking hole in the ground waiting for me to step in.  Fortunately I jumped across and now I am going to play a fucking game of rummy.

your still here, isn't that worth celebrating.
should be.
unless
your
dead
you
miserable
fuck
wake
up

I go after....something that becomes nothing.
life is hot, death is cold
simple enough for me.

I am beginning to realize the beauty of process.  The absolute beginning of something becomes a journey if we let it grow.  I am so inspired to do great and beautiful things with my art, but I am also a beginner.  I have to keep that in mind because sometimes I do things or spend a while working on a project that isn't very inspiring to me.  If a song isn't inspiring to me, that I make, I will not let others hear it.  I first have to be inspired to know that what I am doing is worth putting out there for others to hear.  There is so much poor quality, uninspiring "fluff" out there, that I do not want to flood it up with anymore.

Along with this adventure also comes the financial aspect of all this.  As of right now, just for the record, I have no car and no money.  I have spent it all on music equipment, which is what I love, and need at the moment for what I am creating, so it's all cool.  Not many people read this, as it is mostly for my own satisfaction of looking back months later and reading my thoughts to see a difference in then and now, so if anyone reads this I will clarify.  Doing things we want to do comes with an unfortunate but wise price.  The reason I say wise is because sometimes we need barriers to stop ourselves from going too far into something and allowing ourself time to recollect and after we have thought it out, we go back even stronger.  Anyways, I have been doing some thinking and figuring out how to become an organized individual so ultimately I can organize my music and art in a way that will be sequenced in an effective way.  Chaos is a beautiful thing, but within chaos are organized series of events.  Each of those events put together form something chaotic, so in a way it is organized chaos.  That is what I am working on.  So finance is put into the equation because finance is an important part of the process.  How will I succeed if I cannot support myself along the way to get my art and music across.  I need those moments of security and vacation, just like anyone else.  Just because my sentences are not making any fucking logical flow the way I wanted, I will just make bullet points on how I am trying to organize my situation and learning life.  Maybe someone reading this will take these points into consideration for their life, but just an experiment for me personally.

- moleskine notebooks (the beauty and simplicity of these notebooks are awesome, just an overall great way to help in organizing thoughts and making a great tool for productivity.)
- one at a time, work on gaining habits.  Each month concentrate on one habit, while refining previously set habits.
- financially, focus on how many hours a week I need to work in order to afford what fits my life needs and passions.  Ex. car payment, vacation, rent money, food, gas, insurance, utilities, music, software, etc.
- take the rest of that time spent working towards your dream, and concentrate on education and honing a craft.
- drink coffee (trust me, I notice a difference without it), but don't drink too much
- time management is essential.  Coffee comes in to play on this one a lot.  Set a time each day and drink coffee during that period and work with focus until it wears off or you lose concentration or need a break.
- exercising is important if we want to keep mentally fit as well, in order to keep us concentrated with organizing ourselves.

Just a simple list of main points, but just something for me to look back on when I am discouraged which happens more than I should allow, so being able to physically see what I want to do helps in lifting my spirits.  Also, I truly believe in organizing our lives, not just for ourselves, but for the rest of the world that is watching us and is inspired by our actions.  Just the thought of the day for me.

Wow, I just realized there was a stats page for this blogger stuff, and I am quite surprised to see that more people view this than I thought.  Also, I apologize that my above pages for art, religion, love, etc. has been neglected.  It's funny because those have been viewed more than my actual posts.

I am working my way towards a vital existence.  An existence of life, blossoming from under the sun into something more beautiful than I have grown up to know thus far.  Every day for me is becoming more of a prescription of happiness.  I am finding hope again, this time in a place that offers little hope.  I have been sitting in my room for weeks now figuring out who I am and what I truly want to do and so far I have made great progress and a considerable amount of arrangements.  I am honing my craft, I am planning and budgeting for something I only thought would stay in my mind.  I am setting sail on something that I was born to do.  I am teaching myself, educating myself, becoming myself again, getting ready to bring my little world that sits in my head and giving it away to everyone who needs it most.  I have been broken, but am slowly fixing myself and as I rebuild myself, I make sure it stays sturdy for the next blow that comes my way, which will be inevitable.

Pondering at the common thought.  is there a god? why do I feel better believing in one? why do I not believe if it makes me feel worse? social pressures, make me feel bad? is my feeling bad just god pushing on my conscience? is it all just a bunch of fairy tale lies? is it real, but society has made it seem stupid? should I believe in a god? would it help me? is a god an actual being, or just something to help us group together chaos in the universe? might god just simply be the spaces we do not yet know? is god just a lingering thing in our minds that help us feel spiritual?

Any of these questions are fucking impossible to answer and when someone I come across does provide me with some insight on how to find these answers, it's always, well just go and read your bible.

The answer I am going to give myself is just one simple answer.  Love.  Maybe that is why believing in a god feels good, because it is love that I feel from that power.  or maybe it is just me feeling something we have made up, but it feels good anyways.  When people say you are feeling god inside empower you, maybe it is just the hype we have been taught and that love is just coming from an idea we are perceiving in a way that connects our feelings to the idea, enough to make us believe.

Either way, I'd prefer not to call god a god, I'd prefer to just believe in the idea of caring and loving people and using my art to express that, because let's face it, it does feel pretty good to be surrounded by something positive.  As much as I like darkness, I have to have a balance of light as well to keep myself mentally strong.  If I am deprived of something for too long, then I begin to hate.  That goes for darkness and light, equally.  If I am around light I can develop hatred.  I don't know why, but all I know is I know myself well enough to know these things.

A life of balance. A life of love. A life of spiritual self-success.

Sitting here at the computer watching Jane's Addiction vintage concert videos and while watching a live version of "Then She Did..." I have become struck with an enormity of conviction and need for nostalgic moments that created the me I am today.  I traveled in groups through my teen years, which I am 19, so that wasn't so long ago.  I was introduced to Jane's Addiction about fours years ago and have slowly decreased my moments of listening.  Ever since I left Lollapalooza after having seen Jane's Addiction for the first time in my life, I hit a period where I wouldn't listen to them.  It almost seemed too much for me to handle that I had seen my influences right in front of me, what felt like they were playing for me.  I stood right in front of Eric Avery and I could feel the energy he was putting out that the others, especially Perry seemed to be lacking.  I could have sworn at one point I was rocking out so hard and staring at Eric rocking out and just feeding off of him, that he kind of observed that connection with a fan.  I felt him look right at me as I jumped around just losing myself.  That moment was the only moment in my life, that I can truly say, that I completely lost myself.  All the videos I had watched, all the performances, the life they lived, now playing out in real time.  I have never felt energy like that before.  Just Eric observing my wild and free behavior (if he actually did) was enough to make this the most real thing I have experienced yet.  I came there to connect with all those times I had of listening to the band while riding across bridges of the oceans.  I literally listened to them every time I traveled to the beach.  Anyways, watching what I watched tonight made me just really connect with my sense of purpose again, something I have been lacking since a few months after lollapalooza.  I do not know, but I guess I just wanted to preserve those feelings that came up in me during the time I had listened to Jane's up to the point of seeing them at lollapalooza.  I remember everything they once were, and everything they brought to me in my adventures of growing up, experiencing love, romance, friendship, religious drop outs, school, the ocean, etc.  Jane's Addiction is my band that I have great love for and always will because it opened up a way of life to me, a life of freedom of choice and life of art and expression, and above all a life of changing things in this world that are worth finding a way to change.  To the band that once was, and to the guy (Eric Avery) who still is.  Thank you.