I think I want to be a writer.  Of course what I write on this blog is not a true reflection of what I can do, but it is a nice exercise that gets my mind in the mode to write, I just never do anything useful with that mode turned on.  I love music just the same, so I am trying to figure out how to balance that out.  This is the only space I can come to and really open up myself without telling the whole story out of fear of a number of things that are associated with communicating from one human being to another and the things that can go wrong within that communication boundary.  Here I have no boundary line, my only boundary is within myself and what I allow myself to let myself hear.  This is surprisingly a difficult obstacle to cross because I never liked hearing myself think because for some reason it embarrassed me to know myself.  I do that with my music as well.  I do not sing because I do not like to hear myself sing to my songs.  I am slowly getting over that and over time I will start adding lyrical content to my music but for now it's all instrumental.  

I have always told myself I will not do jobs that are ordinary just for the sake of money, rather I will do what I have a passion for and money will fall in line.  During the process of course we will have to do things we do not want to do in order to the things that we do want to do, but there is a line there that often gets crossed after a certain period.  I have often watched people do those things that they did not want to do (including myself) and find that they didn't mind the job as long as the paycheck kept coming.  I don't have a problem with that, I mean I can understand if someone has a lot of responsibility such as a family to feed and bills to pay for that family, but I have watched ambitious people settle for things that were less ambitious than they anticipated.  I am 19 years old, turning 20 in may and all I keep thinking is, where will I really be in five years.  Will I really be in L.A. or will I fall out of my dream and work on houses and mow lawns like my dad.  That will never happen unless I apply a what if attitude during the whole process of trying to get there because that what if attitude will keep me tied down to myself.  We have to just go for it with everything and with good faith.  I believe in myself, most of the time, but there will be times when I just get crazy and stop following my dream because I am too involved in my situation at the moment that I will not be able to look any further than the problem at hand.  Not saying you shouldn't deal with the problem at hand, but when you deal tediously with the problem for so long, you begin to focus so much on that problem that the future seems to slip away.  

I am hopeful for the future, but for that hope to prove true, we cannot just hope, we have to take action and let that hope guide us in getting us up and making our dream happen.  Every day should be a gift not a burden.  If your days are a burden, then you should begin to question what it is you are doing and trying to do and how well you are treating yourself and keeping your self in mental and physical order.  No one is to blame but ourselves and that is a goddamn fact.

note to self: GET THE FUCK UP AND GET BUSY!!!