I have to say this.  I am so tired of routine and being stuck in my life day after day.  Constantly I try to go about my day and try new things, but honestly I cannot find something different to do without feeling like I have already done this particular thing.  My music is being affected by this everyday.  With no inspiration, I find it very difficult to keep my dream alive.  At one point I had considered just packing my shit and heading out of town, towards somewhere I could be alone and have my own space.  I hate to say it, but I am sick of familiar faces, places, and ways of living my life here.  I have no choice.

Traveled to the lake yesterday with my dad, grandfather, and brother.  On our way back I sat in the backseat of the SUV and listened to Jane's Addiction.  The particular song was "Then She Did".  As I listened I began thinking of what I wanted to do as an artist, of what I wanted to accomplish and show the world.  Beyond that I remembered how a year ago I was beginning my dream after lollapalooza, where there I had the greatest privilege of seeing Jane's Addiction live before Eric Avery left the band again, respectively.  Half way through the song my mood changed and I began feeling a strange connection to every human being alive.  While I was trying to find meaning in my art, I was realizing that humanity's biggest struggle is finding meaning.  We all search for meaning and what it means to be human and what it means to be doing what we are doing at any point in our life.  While I sit in starbucks trying to figure out Reaktor, I am struck by immediate gratitude for being able to make what I make and have the tools to do it, the job to have the money to buy the equipment and the creativity to make the music from the tools I have at hand.

Also, I have realized that my creativity comes out best when riding in a vehicle, particularly when that vehicle is headed out of town.  I don't have to worry about how my hair looks, what I am wearing, or how I look making my music on my little keyboard.  I am totally relaxed and my mind is free to roam whatever it wants to without worrying about a certain part of my body.  Maybe I need to head out of town more often.  Soon.

Been tinkering with my Jazzmutant Lemur I bought here recently and must I say computer music is a difficult thing to get into.  I am learning, but it is still very difficult.  I have tried to get into music code on things like supercollider, but its too fucking hard, so in the meantime I will be studying on how to use the stuff that seems like I will never learn, but looking back, I have learned a lot over the years so this should be no problem.

Form a space
a space to form
of one's own
our work to call
draw from this space
a space of one's own
In all directions
our light shines abroad.


Solitude is creativity's active cradle.

The most obvious things are the hardest to find
The hardest to find is the easiest to see.

Don't understand why this is so for me.

Everyday seemed like a balloon filled with air
floating its way into the open sky

There was a time when I was a red balloon
drifting toward the sun for everyone to see

Then I just popped and fell back to earth.

There is something once in a while worth noticing.  Something we see, feel, hear, touch, smell.  We find a way to grip onto it past the time it allows for us to feel these things.  We need to secure a spot on its ride so we may see another moment or another viewing as the one you just saw.  It seems almost impossible to grasp onto, but with effort the ride can be rode.  Sweeping you off the ground is easy, the landing is the hardest part.  Where you land from the ride depends on your perception of the experience.  The experience will be good or bad as long as you let it pick you up for you to know.  The ride is here and the wind is picking up.  Let it take you as far as you want.  Remember, at any time you can get off, it is your choice.  Live or start dying.

When we don't have the answers directly, we are ignorant

you are ignorant

Some days are uneventful to say the least.  Today was that day.  When I stop here in this town it really lets me know how little I have accomplished thus far.  My dreams are guiding me to things I have only thought would occupy my brain cells.  As my ability grows and my knowledge expands, I am reminded how much closer I am getting to living my dream.  I see it so vividly in my mind how things will be that I know for a fact I will get there.  I spend my money left and right, but at least I am spending it on my dream.  The travel part will come up in due time, but for now equipment and material is what I need the most.  Oh yeah and I really need a piano, I played on one earlier today and immediately played things that I never thought I could play just by guessing.  What was scattered is now becoming organized.

Furthermore I am concluded
I have been here all that time requires of me.
In the stint of my darkness I have worked
In conditions unkind to any spirit.
I have unearthed myself by digging under the thick canopy of twinkling stars
That have guided me and given me respite
Despite so much filth I have breathed.
I am thankful to have found myself once again.

Star bright light

blinding what I thought

was once 

was I

Until everything seems white

So bright will be

The day we see

what it means to live 

another way...

Cool Beans.

Cool Beans.

And if there is someone reading this, you know who you are, I know what you are thinking.  You are thinking it's about time he realized what it feels like.  I understand now and understand why you were upset most of the time.  Still though you knew I wasn't going to change but you still wanted me to.  That is what I just learned, so okay I understand a little better what you were dealing with when you dealt with me.  Just thought you deserved to know that bit of info since you put up with me for a couple of years even though you shouldn't have and it was your choice, but it's hard letting go.  I still put up with you as well though so don't think it was all my fault.  Some people just aren't suited to be together.  We have to learn sometime though right?

All of that was rhetorical as well, no reply needed.

Word of advice to anyone and everyone.  Give up in arguments if the other person is just saying stuff to get their ego lifted.  I have had my share of arguments with people, including my own father, who is the worst to argue with.  I can pinpoint when people are just making up stuff to suit themselves when I know they are wrong.  I just have to give up because if we always try to get our way then conflict would keep going.  Sometimes we just have to give up and let the other person win or else it will keep going.  It is a tough thing to learn.  I am still learning as you can see by the previous posts.  I am just as much in the wrong by keeping an argument going.  Get over the ego.  I am not talking to anyone specifically, just in general, including myself.  Take criticism lightly.  It hurts sometimes but I learn to get over it.  If someone says something and I know they are right I will try my best to work on what it is they are referring to.  Its a tough lesson to learn, but we all need to learn when to shut up or else it will drain our energy and tear us apart.

im sorry, im done, i need to stop, obviously we were just not suited for each other. the last thing i want to do is stir trouble and im sorry i said what i said.

and i complain because i actually get up out of my bubble and try. when i do try i get let down. you let me down and i have a suck ass job, so that is room to complain a little. i never put you down, i only tried to help you spot you weaknesses so you can turn them into strongsuits, but people dont change i learned.  you gave the relationship zero effort and told me shit lies the entire time. thats what i get huh

i didnt deserve that and you know it, i shouldnt have put what i put anyways, but mine is the truth so what you said wasnt even half accurate, and i dont give a fuck about a run on, its a journal not a school essay.  im done talking about you, i wont say anymore or hint anything else

some people will never learn, nor be content, nor stop feeling sorry for themselves, your addicted to feeling the way you feel, nothing will help you but yourself.  i feel sorry for the next guy

Just bought this bad shit.

Here lately I have been going to the library. Not only have I been able to concentrate much more, but I have seen an improvement in my overall intelligence. I have found that starbucks is a problem when it comes to studying. Distraction is all it is here at starbucks, and at the library I get my own little cubby with nothing in it, only my computer screen. It's pretty simplistic and minimalist, but it is worth it. Having no distraction will not only help stress, but boost creativity. Having less means having so much more. With all that is thrown at me during the day, whether it be ads, people, pets, confusion of traffic, I need a little peace once in a while. Solitude is a beautiful thing and the more people become comfortable with being alone, the sooner they realize this and the more they will accomplish. Being alone helps you concentrate on what it is you love doing and in my case I continue to have a passion for music and film, two powerful ingredients in media. Both can be used for the good and bad. Low culture and high culture are two different things, and while people are watching low culture reality shows, high culture is being pushed out and being unappreciated. That is not to say high culture will vanish, I just think the low culture needs to move the fuck out of the way so room for real teaching can make its way through.

by the way happy anniversary 9/11. I thought anniversaries were supposed to be peaceful, not filled with asshole protesters protesting against the building of a mosque near ground zero. Not smart for Islams to do, but they have a right to do it, no disrespect, or are they having disrespect for 9/11? We'll see.

Learning is a good thing. We walk around and see a lot of stuff. We look at billboards, look at magazines, watch t.v. and eat mcdonalds. Everything seems to be in color and pretty. On the surface everything seems innocent and pretty until you really learn what it is you are looking at. Things are shit. Ads are bullshit, mcdonalds is just as bad as a sniper taking out people from atop a building. I am not a paranoid person, but I am just trying to become self aware of all around me. People are always trying to sell you items you don't need to make a buck so they, in turn, can buy something someone is trying to sell them who are trying to buy who are trying to sell so they can use them to make their money to give them. Face it, America is one big consumer orgy. We feed off of commercial. We need these things. We make money to buy, then turn around and sell someone on something that repeats itself. Everyone has to have the American dream, or else they are losers and losers own less than a 1500 square foot living area. All we do is eat, sleep, and consume. Everyone is worried about making money for their "stuff" instead of worrying about what matters, worrying about something that could change a little part of this world. Instead we rush home to the six o'clock news after a long day at the office where there we suck cock and take it up the ass for a living, and after the news we watch more t.v. I am guilty of all of these things, but I am learning to take control. I am learning what matters and what I don't need. I am learning to simplify so I can clarify and create something that matters. I am learning to be part of a revolution that doesn't worry about consumerism. I am finding myself and finding what I need to do in this life.

I mow a particular yard where there I found a dead rabbit last year. Everytime I mowed the yard I noticed how much different it looked than last time. I did this for a year. I realized something. A body decomposes into the earth much faster than our "stuff". I quickly realized what mattered. Our "stuff" will outlast us in the end, but in the end none of that matters, so why then are we so concentrated on our possessions. We need to take care of ourselves and our spirit and body. Part of that is becoming self aware and learning how to live.

Take control of your life
do what you love doing
be nothing less than that
let everyone have what they want
and you will have so much more in the end
because you matter more than anything

Learn.
Think.
Create.
Life is beautiful.

It's not easy watching you fall apart
as a friend, if you ever need help or advice or anything, like I said, I'm still here, or if you need to talk I will be more than happy to help you. We just stopped talking

just like that.

The depths of oneself can be a terrible thing to go inside of and discover if we only see what we were wired to see. Forget what everyone has said to you or about you. Forget all that you know about fashion, beauty, just all of that, for now. Look away from your surroundings and find a place where your happy. Just really think about who you are and what you want to accomplish. Find ways of implementing daily routines of self awareness and self reflection and really dive in and rewire. It can be done if you make a conscious effort, but nothing else, nothing outside of you can change that inside, except yourself. Learn to take criticism. Learn to not care. Learn to adapt. Learn to rewire. Learn to be happy. I promise it can be done. Nothing will stop you if you shield all bullshit lies and absorb everything that is true. Don't be afraid to walk away. Don't be afraid to step outside. Don't be afraid to break inside. Just be you. That is all.

Your tumblr friends know one thing. You are a beautiful person.

I'm sorry for being an asshole and deleting you, I shouldn't have done that and I'm surprised you saw my note. I'm sorry nothing has gotten better, I hope I wasn't a cause of that. I never knew what to do or say to you about your life, just keep trying and never let self doubt take control of you. I look at your tumblr and see how many nice things are said about you. Don't hate yourself because there is nothing to hate in you. You are in fact a beautiful person. I just believe that things could have been different, or in other words I don't know what the fuck went wrong. I think about you and just wanted you to know that. Hang in there.

Dear distant lover, if you read this, I'm sorry, I never wanted what we had to slip away like it did. I wish it could be better for you, I know I didn't help you, but I thought I did.

I haven't forgotten about you I just don't know what to do for you

Trying to think what I have learned and how I have gotten to where I am artistically over the past few years.

believe in yourself and your art
keep reminding yourself the present is only the present
Remember that things will pass but learn to be at ease with that
Take everything you can into your mind from everything around you and try to figure out why things are the way they are and find ways you can change things, even the smallest of things.
Don't be afraid to follow a leader, after all if we are all leaders, that would be very impractical
Don't be afraid to take an idea into account, you can still be original
No one is original if you think about it
But be as original as possible.
Give someone good advice and don't bullshit them, if you don't know the answer just say I don't know
Start with baby steps.
Make.
Give.
Present ideas.
Stay focused.
Stay in shape.
Eat healthy.
Wake up early.
Go to bed early.
Always work on improving yourself.
Let things change.
And when you can get the fuck out and explore the world.
Find means of adventure.
Save money.
Don't follow trends.
Don't expect to be rich.
Don't be poor either.
Use color.
Dress in ways that make you look good.
Fix your hair.
Whatever you like or think you are called to do, do it!
Never let circumstances change what you have been born to do
Even if you think you aren't good enough or worthy for the job.
Most importantly...do things that you don't want to do in order to do the things you do want to do. That is key. I have no idea how much I can emphasize that

DO THINGS THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO DO IN ORDER TO DO THE THINGS THAT YOU DO WANT TO DO.

That is all for now.

Sitting here once again at the beloved starbucks I know oh so very well. familiar. Peaceful the same. Still dreaming of the ocean though. Wanting to go back and just stay and watch the waves and the sea foam crash upon the shore. With coffee of course. The idea of living near the beach for me is a dream come true but there are some that claim I would get tired of it. Maybe, but the only reason we get tired of things is we do the same thing within that area. Yes of course I could find other stuff to do here, but the ocean is my home, not this place. It can't be because I am always thinking of the ocean. Money. Time. Machine. It all has to work.

September is here which means one thing. Leaves. It is beautiful to some people, but not when you have to clean up nature's mess. It is beautiful and all, but I don't really get to enjoy because I am raking all of what mother earth has created. I think it is odd, why can't people accept the leaves, I mean isn't it a natural part of what makes the soil, well soil? Leaves decompose and is healthy for the ground. Why then are we raking them up? Oh I know, because we need our yards to look perfect for the no one that gives a fuck about it.