Sometimes I get stuck in my little corner of my mind when I am sitting around at starbucks just working on music and such and when I am lucky I spot someone all alone glancing around with the same look on their face...I know the look.  The look of dissatisfaction at the bullshit that has come their way and the fact that a dream has been put on hold, or that dream is so tough to work on.  I sometimes wonder if that person is thinking the same about me, or if they notice.  I am good about not looking like I am paying attention, but I am always noticing detail.  Today I noticed someone sitting all along, gorgeous and with style looking around as if waiting for something or someone to show.  I kind of observed but didn't do a whole lot studying until she got up and began walking out the door.  Sometimes I would just like to grab fear by the arms and snap it's wrists in two just like the time fearlessness broke both of my wrists on a swing-set.  Even though fear doesn't deserve such treatment, I would still like to do so out of desire to break out of myself.  It was at that point of her walking out the door that I desired love again.  Not the bullshit love I have been having, or had, but the kind where two mature people love each other and support each other and bring out the best in each other.  I don't have to rely on anyone anymore, but just the whole love thing is eating at me again.  I want to feel that thing again and in turn really care about someone other than myself.  As she left I became scared for some reason.  I think she looked so perfect to me that when she left I thought to myself, more than likely opportunity will come and go and I will never go after it as long as I am who I am as far as me being quiet natured.  All of these things which I desire, happen in the movies.

Been mowing yards here lately and cleaning up after heavy storms that seemed to have excited me more than it should have.  I mean I know I live a boring life when I go outside in a potential tornado to feel the 60 mph wind blow upon me with such force of almost pushing me over.  It was fun though until trees started bending to the ground like an aftershock of a nuclear bomb.  I can't seem to allow myself any time for creative work here lately because of a debt I have acquired.  Seems ironic too because I have bought things for creative purposes and I am spending no time working with those tools.  I guess that's how it goes for a while though until a settle in finances.  One other thing that has been on my mind here lately, mainly because people gardening my mind, but it's a thing of religion again.  It's fun to let people know how I feel about it and it's fun to know how they feel but I guess there is a certain point where both have to realize we are who we are and that is basically all.  Belief and non-belief are a funny thing I don't know why but it's like the world revolves around the whole idea that might or might not be.  With the accumulation of all society has made itself to be throughout thousands of years, I cannot help but picture some sort of flaw along the way.  It is in me now to picture some sort of flaw anytime I try to believe.  Something in me just won't let me believe, but that same thing in me is now me and I do not want to believe anymore.  I haven't believed but what I am saying is I most likely will never come to believe in the same thing I once believed in.  It would be anything but right to go back to the way things were.  and that is how I feel right now, minus much thought.

I've noticed here lately that I don't get much accomplished.  It's good that I recognize this, but simply recognizing isn't enough.  I need to act now and do instead of wait.  I have noticed a lot in my life that I tend to wait until tomorrow to accomplish what I want to accomplish now.  The things I do and am interested in are something I am driven to accomplish, but sometimes the learning curve is too steep so I put it off another day in hopes that maybe tomorrow my mind will comprehend what I am trying to do.  I am always planning it seems...no not even planning, more like thinking and daydreaming.  Those things are good and great to draw from for inspiration, but when I am wasting those dreams each day, I am soon going to find myself with a floor full of pennies from wasted days instead of a pocket full of embraced penny days.

The power of any subsequent idea lies on any experience or happening that came before that thing that made it powerful.  I see all that I see from all that I have seen and all that I want to see comes from dreaming of seeing things while seeing all that I was seeing, so all that I see is something that might never be.  Sometimes I just want my dreams to burst like a big bang, shooting in all directions, so I never have to think about it so much.

Happiness is something I constantly struggle to achieve.  That struggle that happens is what makes me unhappy I think.  I know where to look to find it, but where I have to look is somewhere that involves hard work to make it there.  People tell me to do with what I have and I understand what that means, but when I want something so bad, I can't just drop that dream and settle.  It's human nature for me to go after what I want.  The idea of settling with what I have and doing with that just seems a bit canned for me in that my head has already been filled filled with so many dreams, I just cannot settle with the rest of the world.  Everyone that I talk to knows me, but has no idea of what I am capable of.  There of course has to be a starting point, but to say that you have to gradually build your way up is a bit narrow.  I understand that in most cases this is true, but I am not working for a corporation, I am working for myself and the general human condition.  I think everyone is just so dead set on how things are supposed to be in America, that they forget that there is a choice.  I know who I am and I know that when I feel something is off according to what I believe in, I stop and really think about what I am doing and then I go from there instead of doing every little thing for a paycheck.  I guess people have to do what they have to do to get by and that is fine, but when you are doing something and don't know why you are doing it, then I think it's time to look in the fucking mirror and figure out who it is you really are and what you want, exactly what you want.

Been studying for the past few days in supercollider, hard things in there I must say.  Steep learning curves are always something I have trouble with, but the more confident I am in getting over them, the faster I learn it.  Besides learning new computer languages I have been studying business models to support the music I have been making.  I have been thinking about getting a normal 9-5 job.  I don't know yet because I am afraid if I do that, then my drive will be a drive for money and not a pursuit of art.  I don't want to get too comfortable with making money for a corporation so a corporation can turn around and pay me the shit earnings I deserve more of.  I am an artist of sorts, not a person who kisses ass for men with little taste.  I understand credit and all of that shit, but there is another way for me to do what I love and do it legally.  I know the business model for that, it's just working hard at it to get those earnings so I can support my pursuit of art while making the art.

My tired helps me make my tired

a tired like no other tired that I have of this world

a tired kind enough to let me rest

in a world of tiredness

underneath most of our caffeinated instincts

that help us block out what is trying to tell us 

what we know

but don't want to know

I can drink the black

but I can't be consumed by the black

I let it go into me

and somehow...through that 

I can be at peace

while the light makes everyone black.