I really use fuck excessively on this blog don't I?

well fuck it, I will write something. I had a dream last night, a dream that comes around only so often. I had a creative burst of energy last night at starbucks and made a pretty good sound idea (as I call it) for once. I like to believe that my creativity has something to do with dreams like this, but who am I to know. Anyways back to my dream. I was looking up at the sky, the moon actually. The moon, after a while started shimmering blue colors back at me until I began to see a reflection. The reflection I saw was water and clouds, the moon was appearing to be turning into a mirror and the earth was what I could see. I saw a reflection of the earth, all of the oceans, sky and everything. The moon began to flickr in and out of this glass state it was taking on until the flickr became so rapid it started to turn into a kind of strobe light. As I watched in astonishment the moon then began to decrease in size significantly. It compressed so tight and bright it then blew up and I turned to everyone, away from the sky, and watched everyone run. I knew the earth was about to be destroyed so I turned to my mother to tell her goodbye, but she was in too much of a panic for me to communicate with her. Instead I watched as the moon shrapnel began to close in on the doomed planet. I could feel the rumble and heat of what was about to happen and I prepared myself to die and wondered if it would hurt, but I realized the impact would be so sudden I would feel nothing. As soon as the moon hit the earth I suddenly woke up somewhere with everyone that had been with me when the moon was destroying the earth. Everyone was confused and wondering where they were. We realized we were in a place awaiting the judgement of god. Then I awoke from my dream.

Some light for my dark path

I am really surprised I haven't wrote anything in a few days. It is probably a good thing, I would have just rambled like I always have. So I have been looking into trying to set up somewhere where I can start learning better and writing better and making better music. What more perfect place than a downtown loft. I have always wanted to live in one and it is affordable as long as I keep working hard. I need a room of my own and I do not consider starbucks a room of one's own. I want to so bad, but for now I have to figure out how to get a steady job, I almost considered attempting to get a job at the coffee shop in the wintertime. I need something to change, I need to make things change because I do not believe anything changes unless we make it change. No god is going to change anything, only we can change things ourselves. Call it heresy, but I think it is more practical that way.

There are those that never seem to be satisfied. I knew one of those people. Always looking for something. Never realizing anything. Never learning. Never growing. Never living. Only dying...

the dark matter inside of me
bends the light I am trying to shine
to an angle
that reflects shit and grim

I'll bend until it shines true

My attempts were but a whimper
compared to the bang I was going to show
you...
but you had to give up
so did I

searching...
I guess someone else will see what kind of life I can give them

I am watching
out the window
towards the sky
I can't see a thing

what does it mean
facing toward the sky
people shout up high
as the days pass them by

Well I am going to be trying something very different. I have added pages to my blog now, which means I am finally becoming a little more organized. I have no idea how long this will be in play or how long I will keep up with this but I am hoping to expand myself and my imagination to a bigger area or a well rounded picture of who I am and what I think about this world we live in. All of the ideas and all of mine and my opinion will be presented in an orderly fashion, so no more bullshit mess. Not that many people view my blog anyways so I have nothing to lose. I am hoping to attract more traffic as the months go by. The reason I say months is because this stuff takes some time to move along to a bigger audience. Hopefully I can gain viewing attention leading me to a position where I can start bringing out my music into public eye a little better than the vague position it is in now. Polish a few old ideas.

For the past two mornings I have been getting up really early. Yesterday it was 6 today it was 5:30. I am not sure but I feel as if I am the only one that wakes up early for the pleasure of it. I have been attempting this for the sake of increased creativity. The only down side is coffee early makes me crash really hard mid day and I almost blacked out mowing yards yesterday. It was a strange feeling. My head felt so light and I started seeing things in a strange set of motion. I began to get sweaty, no headaches either and started swaying around. I sat down and thought for sure I was going to blackout so I prepared myself. I figured it would be worse if I blacked out while pushing the mower. I took a little break then it was all over. I did not black out but the feeling was a reminder that at any point anything could happen.

I watched an apple fall
straight to the ground
at dusk
when the wind blows easy

The apple stopped at the top of a hill
potential energy
oh how far it could go
if it fell just an inch further down

I stopped what I was doing
potential energy
kinetic energy potentially
and kicked the shit out of the apple

Wash you away
from the small corners
of my mind
all that was
is now then

sometimes

sometimes

sometimes

sometimes

I can't focus

remnants remain

remnants continue

remnants remain

remnants continue

over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over

these memories of all that was keeps hanging on to my matter
I am troubled
Your are troubled
We are troubled
Get in the sky
or just look upside down
upside coming round
feel the blood rush to your head
impurities washing away
should I hang here long enough for it all to go away
my life
or should I raise back up and jump back into the sky
my sky is blue, grey, black, blue
blue
blue
blue for a while
grey
grey
grey for a while
black
black
black for a while


blue.
water.
mind.
body.
now I'm clean.

Welp, guess where? yes starbucks once again. Today has been a really frustrating day for me, I am not sure why, it just seems like the further along you go during the day, from starting a day off really shitty, just the worse it gets. I read blogs, updates, etc on people and just am never satisfied or content. I always am searching for something to put my time into such as reading up on something or trying to learn about something during the moment of boredom. I am always doing something, or am I? Sometimes I think we are getting somewhere but we never really meet the mark we want to meet. I think that is mostly the problem with society, we think we are getting somewhere, such as driving faster, but really we are just driving aimlessly. We think our job is what we are supposed to be doing, but really we could have done something different, something better, something that would have changed something. If everyone found their purpose then I don't see how the world couldn't be a better place. It would certainly be a different place, an alien place. Well I tried to write without stopping and I did just that. Everything I said was back to back without thinking. That is what I will do from now on, to convey how I really feel about things to find myself a little better. It wouldn't hurt to let the world know how I feel about it.

blah blah blah...I have to start writing in a more methodical manner, or at least go along with a certain theme instead of ranting about my troubles. I am thinking about doing something very interesting. Maybe create another blog and make up a character and kind of create a life that does not exist but as if it does exist, not sure, but seems really fucking interesting to me to start from a blank canvas like that and just create a life. I guess it is not the same as playing god, but I will do my best, if I decide to take on such a challenge. Of course I am sitting at starbucks once again. Hmm there is a really cute girl that works here, a new one, and she smiled and I smiled, made me feel a little happier knowing a mutual smile can be conjured these days. In these times it is hard to smile out in public. Surfing the web, always seeing something I want, when will I learn to just save, ha I can't. It is in my blood to buy. Well at least I am buying something that will benefit me in the long run, something that will help me with what I want to do in life, which is music. I'd like to be a writer, but I am far from an accomplished writer, but this is why I take up having a blog, to keep me grounded and disciplined in writing. The more I write the better I get and that is a really good thing, because usually I show no signs of making process, most of the time I tend to go in big circles that always leads no where except where I left off. Like coming back to starbucks, except this is a good thing for once. I can be free from conflict at the house. I am a long way from saving enough to move, but I keep in mind everyday that each day I go through making money is closer to where I want to be in like two years. Study and work. Write and play. Finding a balance is difficult these days.

It is so annoying looking at someone destroy themselves, mainly because they can do something about it. But they choose to surround themselves with addiction to feeling sorry for themselves. Some people just want attention, some people just don't give a fuck, some people can't help it, others like to sit back and watch. Me, none of the above. I live according to how I want to live, and that is all. You can't go through life trying to please someone, honestly they have to please themselves before two complete each other. Or else things will get all fucked up. That is why I give up on relationships, for now, until I find someone that believes in themselves and can give me just as much as I can give them, or balance each other, not bring one another down. It's all bullshit until you wise up and say I can handle things by myself, then everything else can fall in line, you don't have to rely on other people, because other people will just hurt the fuck out of you if you let them. I've been in both situations, that is why it is best to be out of the norm of things like that. Be by yourself for a while and find yourself, then things will start to look good.

Our corners we sit
stare...into space
never looking
further
deeper
wider
just close
yes, our space we see
the space of ourselves
giving ourselves no space
from ourselves

well I'm here at Starbucks, not surprisingly so, and I cannot help but wonder, when my time will be here when I can move away. That must be every youthful question. I sit here in my little bubble again thinking of how I can do something about things. I definitely am not in the right mood right now to write about anything, but I must push forward somehow. If I let boredom settle in, then I will start to doubt myself, letting the real world tear me apart. That is why I must push forward, to allow nothing to slip in that will make me self doubt.

At starbucks again, decided the home life wasn't the best for me, or what I needed at this point in time. This seems like the only place I can think about my dreams and work on my dreams. We will see how long it lasts until I become numb to routine.

About that last post. On a more logical thinking scale, I realize how fucked up this world can be and I have to keep that in mind or else I will lose control of myself. Exposing myself to the world will not only help me understand what I can change, but what I can't change. Knowing this keeps me sane. Sometimes I feel like I have no more control left, but most other times I feel as if my control is more present than ever, that is why I am still sane. I have to start at one corner at a time.

Thoughts are going in and out of my head constantly. The world does not fucking stop for a second. All of these motherfuckers around I just want to blow some of their heads off. Oh how many fucking heads there would be. I see politicians on the tv and all I can think is what a fucking miserable liar they must be. Everyone is a liar. Everything is a lie. Believe nothing. Believe in nothing. If I could I would fix this, but now all I want is for someone to fucking die. I'll start with the neighbors. The mother fucking dope heads can just kill themselves for all I care. I would love to see a massacre in the neighborhood, the bodies piling on the sidewalks. That way I could walk around again without feeling watched all the fucking time. I want to burn it all down, those fucking apartments, and watch them die, one by one. But I know I will never get my way, for now, they will just destroy themselves, by themselves, in the process taking everyone with them, except me because I am getting the fuck out of this place.

Oh yeah and this baby is going to be mine

Well, after talking I have decided to change my life a little. I woke up this morning at 6:30 and oh how it feels great to be up this early. With morning coffee beside me and the morning shade slowly turning into rising sun, I can't help but be reminded of something. Lollapalooza was great and it just seems too familiar being up this early. My life is going by fast, it just seemed like yesterday we were driving to Chicago. It was a break, that's for sure. I miss my vacations and I miss the beach, but for now all I have are these early mornings where I can just sit and think of all the places I will see later on and think what I have already seen. ha it's a little difficult trying to figure out what I will do with the extra time, maybe read, maybe watch TED, maybe drive around listening to music, maybe work on the house, maybe dream, maybe watch the sky, maybe go to the park, maybe just plan...plan for the great things ahead of me. I just couldn't help, after all that, think back to the one quote that has helped me in strange ways. "If we really want to live, we'd better start at once to try". Can't believe how true that is. Trying is the first step, in my case it was waking up early, or waking up in general. I have to give Eric Avery the credit for that though, in the fact that he is the guy I heard this quote from. The picture of the acrylic painting on the surfboard of the city with buildings and lights. It's beautiful how things work like that. We never know what little things can do to impact someone's life. Thank you everyone who has made some impact on my life. Bits and pieces are always gathered from people, so it is important to do things or say things that could inspire or encourage someone who needs it.