Some days are really good and some days are just really fucking bad.  Between that are days that start out either great or shitty and get better or worse depending on what mishaps or fortunes I run into.  Today is a bit weird.  I am going back and forth between being really shitty and really high on life.  The high on life is coming from my music and coffee, which those two combined are my waking dreams.  The shitty part so far comes from the shit in other people transferring over to me.  I couldn't imagine myself coming in no contact with anyone, but by no means am I am social butterfly.  It is important for me to pick the right people to be friends with.  I don't know how many people throughout the day I accidently piss off but I do not mean anything by it.  I would like to think that's the same way when I get upset at someone who did something or said something that upset me.  I would like to think they didn't even mean it.  I act like I am hard as rock but I am shattered easily when it comes to peoples actions towards me, if it's negative of course.  Some people think I'm a dick, but I know in myself otherwise.  I'm just a guy trying to carry out a dream and in the process I can fuck a lot of people over by appearing selfish.

Accidently ran over a snake this evening while mowing.  I thought it was a stick, but quickly realized what it was after that once thought stick began to squirm.  normally I would be sickened at the sight of a snake and not want to pick it up but instinctively I picked it up out of worry that I had killed it.   I let it slither in my hand and didn't see a wound so I just kept holding it.  Anyways, I let it go, away from the path of my mower.  Just quick thought to help me realize how important moments like these are to my heart.

I sometimes get these urges where all I wanna do is fuck.

more days than not, I have something inside of me bugging me.  I have no exact idea of what this is other than a culmination of memories I have acquired through doing fun and exciting things throughout the years involving people I no longer know.  Those memories are always in me and it's not something that can just be tossed out like garbage.  Where I stand now in the present isn't all that exciting.  I cannot tell whether those memories are there for me to become motivated by, or something that is merely bothersome because I know my life isn't exciting as it once was.  I however do not have to be bogged down by monotony and should just let those memories motivate me by experiencing more and more.  I think it's a little bit of both.  The motivator part and the bothersome part, but they go hand in hand in a way.  If it weren't bothering me I wouldn't be motivated to do better.  Hmm, always thinking about stuff like this aren't I.  Last night I was caught in a severe thunderstorm, well I chose to go out in it to watch, but while all of the power in the house was off for well over an hour, I watched the lightning streak the sky with electric pulses of tree-like stature.  I was so excited, actually more excited than ever it seemed like.  The thrilling nature of this storm stirred up something in me that I inevitably needed to long for, something more than my daily routine.  As this particular storm passed by, I found myself wishing I was there to experience what was here so I may experience it furthermore.  I become increasingly unsettled as it moved further and further away.  My experience was gone.  I wanted the storm back to the beginning even though I was scared at first when it was about to hit, but I was also excited.  I was excited for the unexpected, but scared that the unexpected would be devastating.  I settled inside my bed, closed my eyes, then awoke to blasting sounds of thunder with day bright lights of nature.  My surprise was here and I was too unprepared to enjoy the humanistic feelings that would typically arise before the storm.  Those feelings before, during, and after are what makes any experience worthy of longing for years later.  oh the beautiful, unsettling ways of life that can torture, yet please.

finally had a day where all I did was continuously do things I love doing with absolutely no down time.  Hiked about twelve miles, give or take, over the period of two days.  Came home after a nice car ride down the mountain and went on to mow and listen to music.  The day ends with a nice cup of coffee at starbucks.  Anyways, just a recap of the day.  The more interesting point is how aware I am because of doing these things.  It's days like this that keep me thinking and feeling what it is that I really need to be focusing on.  I also realized how much time I waste just doing absolutely nothing I love doing.  I am so focused on a whole of nothing sometimes.

Today I felt that thing in me again stir a little bit inside me.  That thing I thought I could put away for good.  I was at the DMV waiting to get my license renewed when I was called up and got my eyes checked and thought all was good until I had to take a fucking test like I was in the 5th grade again.  All the signs questions were obvious up until I got the 8th ambiguous question.  Torn between what to choose for an answer I went with my gut and touched the screen.  I failed the test because of one question and at that point I wanted to express what was in me so I mumbled mother fucker about 20 times and I am sure the lady heard me.  I really wanted to kick the shit out of the computer system, but instead I walked out saying mother fucker.  Not that I need to remain perfectly calm, but I don't think I went too overboard, I mean it's the DMV for christ sakes.  give me a break fucking authority.