more days than not, I have something inside of me bugging me.  I have no exact idea of what this is other than a culmination of memories I have acquired through doing fun and exciting things throughout the years involving people I no longer know.  Those memories are always in me and it's not something that can just be tossed out like garbage.  Where I stand now in the present isn't all that exciting.  I cannot tell whether those memories are there for me to become motivated by, or something that is merely bothersome because I know my life isn't exciting as it once was.  I however do not have to be bogged down by monotony and should just let those memories motivate me by experiencing more and more.  I think it's a little bit of both.  The motivator part and the bothersome part, but they go hand in hand in a way.  If it weren't bothering me I wouldn't be motivated to do better.  Hmm, always thinking about stuff like this aren't I.  Last night I was caught in a severe thunderstorm, well I chose to go out in it to watch, but while all of the power in the house was off for well over an hour, I watched the lightning streak the sky with electric pulses of tree-like stature.  I was so excited, actually more excited than ever it seemed like.  The thrilling nature of this storm stirred up something in me that I inevitably needed to long for, something more than my daily routine.  As this particular storm passed by, I found myself wishing I was there to experience what was here so I may experience it furthermore.  I become increasingly unsettled as it moved further and further away.  My experience was gone.  I wanted the storm back to the beginning even though I was scared at first when it was about to hit, but I was also excited.  I was excited for the unexpected, but scared that the unexpected would be devastating.  I settled inside my bed, closed my eyes, then awoke to blasting sounds of thunder with day bright lights of nature.  My surprise was here and I was too unprepared to enjoy the humanistic feelings that would typically arise before the storm.  Those feelings before, during, and after are what makes any experience worthy of longing for years later.  oh the beautiful, unsettling ways of life that can torture, yet please.