Sometimes I get stuck in my little corner of my mind when I am sitting around at starbucks just working on music and such and when I am lucky I spot someone all alone glancing around with the same look on their face...I know the look.  The look of dissatisfaction at the bullshit that has come their way and the fact that a dream has been put on hold, or that dream is so tough to work on.  I sometimes wonder if that person is thinking the same about me, or if they notice.  I am good about not looking like I am paying attention, but I am always noticing detail.  Today I noticed someone sitting all along, gorgeous and with style looking around as if waiting for something or someone to show.  I kind of observed but didn't do a whole lot studying until she got up and began walking out the door.  Sometimes I would just like to grab fear by the arms and snap it's wrists in two just like the time fearlessness broke both of my wrists on a swing-set.  Even though fear doesn't deserve such treatment, I would still like to do so out of desire to break out of myself.  It was at that point of her walking out the door that I desired love again.  Not the bullshit love I have been having, or had, but the kind where two mature people love each other and support each other and bring out the best in each other.  I don't have to rely on anyone anymore, but just the whole love thing is eating at me again.  I want to feel that thing again and in turn really care about someone other than myself.  As she left I became scared for some reason.  I think she looked so perfect to me that when she left I thought to myself, more than likely opportunity will come and go and I will never go after it as long as I am who I am as far as me being quiet natured.  All of these things which I desire, happen in the movies.

Been mowing yards here lately and cleaning up after heavy storms that seemed to have excited me more than it should have.  I mean I know I live a boring life when I go outside in a potential tornado to feel the 60 mph wind blow upon me with such force of almost pushing me over.  It was fun though until trees started bending to the ground like an aftershock of a nuclear bomb.  I can't seem to allow myself any time for creative work here lately because of a debt I have acquired.  Seems ironic too because I have bought things for creative purposes and I am spending no time working with those tools.  I guess that's how it goes for a while though until a settle in finances.  One other thing that has been on my mind here lately, mainly because people gardening my mind, but it's a thing of religion again.  It's fun to let people know how I feel about it and it's fun to know how they feel but I guess there is a certain point where both have to realize we are who we are and that is basically all.  Belief and non-belief are a funny thing I don't know why but it's like the world revolves around the whole idea that might or might not be.  With the accumulation of all society has made itself to be throughout thousands of years, I cannot help but picture some sort of flaw along the way.  It is in me now to picture some sort of flaw anytime I try to believe.  Something in me just won't let me believe, but that same thing in me is now me and I do not want to believe anymore.  I haven't believed but what I am saying is I most likely will never come to believe in the same thing I once believed in.  It would be anything but right to go back to the way things were.  and that is how I feel right now, minus much thought.

I've noticed here lately that I don't get much accomplished.  It's good that I recognize this, but simply recognizing isn't enough.  I need to act now and do instead of wait.  I have noticed a lot in my life that I tend to wait until tomorrow to accomplish what I want to accomplish now.  The things I do and am interested in are something I am driven to accomplish, but sometimes the learning curve is too steep so I put it off another day in hopes that maybe tomorrow my mind will comprehend what I am trying to do.  I am always planning it seems...no not even planning, more like thinking and daydreaming.  Those things are good and great to draw from for inspiration, but when I am wasting those dreams each day, I am soon going to find myself with a floor full of pennies from wasted days instead of a pocket full of embraced penny days.