I've always been a pretty relaxed guy, not letting a whole lot bother me, but for the past few years, or year rather, everything has bothered me to the highest degree.  I know why this is so, but that doesn't help ease my angst towards certain groups of people and certain ideas.  I don't necessarily know if I'm being held back by this or being pushed forward by this angst.  Since having this angst, I feel encouraged to fix certain problems this country in particular has.  I feel like I could be a teacher, of the not-so-conventional kind, obviously.  On the other hand, I feel like trying to fix a problem like what this country has, is, in a way, a lost cause and would be like a bug smacking into a windshield, only to be wiped off.  I am not the smartest guy in the world and I know that, I have a lot to learn, still, but I also have a lot to teach that I have been taught, or rather taught myself, through finding information out on my own and developing myself without someone else developing it for me.  A mind cannot be manufactured in a school, a mind should not be manufactured.  A mind should be free to think freely.  Of course with free thought, comes heavy criticism, but that's the price you pay for anything done that isn't manufactured by something "popular".  Popular doesn't mean right and keep that in mind if you are reading this.  Mcdonalds is popular.  Get my point.

I took the machine
gripped the machine beneath the fists
I picked the machine up
slammed the machine down
down into the ground the machine lie
splattered in its own mechanical parts

the shiny parts disrupted from it's pieced together
human together-pieced shiny craft it once was
was once only once upon a time
a time that stopped the machine
was crafted by me
my destruction
only a split second between order and chaos
for the shiny machine had been destroyed
by my chaos.

Being social is something I have often felt pulled into, yet drawn away by it's power.  I say this in a very evocative way.  I am captured by the moment of hearing someone speak to me and me speaking back reflecting and recanting what I have just heard.  Processing information from someone is something I long for because not only does this help me grow, it helps me establish who I am in terms of what I really think and how I really feel towards listening, processing, feedback, and not only that, but how I feel about opening up myself to others.  I can be very fragile, even though I don't seem so.  I normally do not admit my fragile mind, rather I tend to act tough about things.  Sometimes I find myself talking to a lot of people at one time and then come home and feel empty from my thoughts, because everything I just said wasn't what I really wanted to say, it was only something to say because what I need to say is too deep for anyone to listen to or for anyone to care much about.  I sometimes stay quiet or "generic" because of this.  I want to dive deep in conversation with someone, but sometimes I guess it can be hard to get someone to sit down with you and talk about it.  I have found a simple way of getting over this, just by shutting the fuck up and getting down to business and working as hard as I possibly can on projects.  My projects reflect everything I've wanted to say to someone, but because of time or social pressure, did not.  I've got something to say, but no one will hear it because it's all gone into art.  I do not like to be branded as "antisocial" or "stuck-up".  I simply just have too much to say for someone to sit there and listen to me.  Anyways, just a thought I wanted to express, as tonight was very social.

Paralyzed with fear
I wanted you
in a way I've never wanted anyone
anyone but everyone
but you

I watched you standing there
there you stood thinking about something
something so foreign to everybody else
everybody else but me

I knew
but how could you have known
you had no idea

I sat and reasoned with my fucking brain
made up every fucking excuse in the book
to not say a word
I just sat and did nothing

You finally walked away
leaving me with myself
and all that could have been

You stopped like you had forgotten something
I smiled
you turned around and came back
I was filled with joy

you turned around came back
and back
and back
towards me
closer
closer
looking at me you looked towards me
towards me I saw you
approaching closer and closer
and then
you were gone.

just like that. you left like a dream.

My face is staring at the wall

to the left the sun is looking at me through the window

the dust is settling in the room

the dust is moving in the room

upwards

floating

sideways

against my face

slowly I turn towards that window

my motion stirring dust

sucking dust towards me and swooshing it back out

I am facing the window

it's dark outside

I look up and there hangs a light.

Nothing more than a little dangling light above my head.

I smile and get back to work. 

burning for moments of clarity

burning for the days I see blue

I was seeing you for the longest time

but now all I see is myself and my mind.

It took a while to see for myself

what myself looked like

if all I had was myself

no you, only I.

I do not feel alone in this isolation anymore

I feel not alone in this room I have made

I feel not alone in this corner I have crawled

I feel not alone without you anymore

for I am no longer a part of you.

I can handle the machine.
the machine cannot lie.
the machine is what your mind says it is.
the machine releases what you could otherwise not release.
the machine is dead
the machine is now alive
the machine operates according to your instruction.
the machine relies on your order.
the machine is powerful.
unfortunately so are you.