Yesterday I decided to go with my mother to run her errands.  I sat in the backseat looking out the window just thinking.  I like rides like these where I can just look out the window at the world in a place where I can be safe on the inside.  After about an hour we returned to our street and our driveway is of incline to the point you have to hold yourself tight so you don't get flung to the side of the car.  I was listening to a film score from Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross titled "almost home".  The whole time I tapped my finger to the song on my iPod and could really feel the song's rhythm and meaning.  When we approached the front of the house and my mother aimed the car towards the incline, I braced myself for keeping the beat.  We hit the beginning of the incline and it jared me but I kept rhythm through intense concentration.  I was almost home but was jared a little.  I felt like this applied to my life and what I have been through so far.  I lost the rhythm of myself for a while and now that I am almost home with myself, I have to be careful not to let my rhythm go.  Or should I? Should I stop the rhythms and lose myself and become something else entirely?  Or should I keep myself and all that I mean... or does any of this really matter?

I want to live...I want to breathe, I want to see things and I want to see things with you.  I want the rhythm of myself to be something that means something to someone and to myself.  Maybe we should all stop our routine rhythms and start over for ourselves.  In a world that means nothing anymore, we have nothing to lose.

I am tired of misfortunes while trying to create fortunes.

It is warm today, I'm out and about, with a freshly washed/cleaned car.  Fuck it feels good.  All of the troubles that I seem to be dealing with are just set aside for the day because it's way too nice out to complain.  There is only one problem, I want you here with me.  I had nothing, but now I have something and that something is unreachable at the moment.  I would cross the seas right now if I could and there is nothing holding me back really but we must play this smart.  Today is just one of those days where you feel like the earth has just rolled over and everything is better.  If only the earth would roll you over to my end of the hemisphere.  Oh what have we got ourselves into you and I, it's only torture.  This torture will not last too long though my dear, let's just wait it out.

An opportunity to be happy...

I think I want to be a writer.  Of course what I write on this blog is not a true reflection of what I can do, but it is a nice exercise that gets my mind in the mode to write, I just never do anything useful with that mode turned on.  I love music just the same, so I am trying to figure out how to balance that out.  This is the only space I can come to and really open up myself without telling the whole story out of fear of a number of things that are associated with communicating from one human being to another and the things that can go wrong within that communication boundary.  Here I have no boundary line, my only boundary is within myself and what I allow myself to let myself hear.  This is surprisingly a difficult obstacle to cross because I never liked hearing myself think because for some reason it embarrassed me to know myself.  I do that with my music as well.  I do not sing because I do not like to hear myself sing to my songs.  I am slowly getting over that and over time I will start adding lyrical content to my music but for now it's all instrumental.  

I have always told myself I will not do jobs that are ordinary just for the sake of money, rather I will do what I have a passion for and money will fall in line.  During the process of course we will have to do things we do not want to do in order to the things that we do want to do, but there is a line there that often gets crossed after a certain period.  I have often watched people do those things that they did not want to do (including myself) and find that they didn't mind the job as long as the paycheck kept coming.  I don't have a problem with that, I mean I can understand if someone has a lot of responsibility such as a family to feed and bills to pay for that family, but I have watched ambitious people settle for things that were less ambitious than they anticipated.  I am 19 years old, turning 20 in may and all I keep thinking is, where will I really be in five years.  Will I really be in L.A. or will I fall out of my dream and work on houses and mow lawns like my dad.  That will never happen unless I apply a what if attitude during the whole process of trying to get there because that what if attitude will keep me tied down to myself.  We have to just go for it with everything and with good faith.  I believe in myself, most of the time, but there will be times when I just get crazy and stop following my dream because I am too involved in my situation at the moment that I will not be able to look any further than the problem at hand.  Not saying you shouldn't deal with the problem at hand, but when you deal tediously with the problem for so long, you begin to focus so much on that problem that the future seems to slip away.  

I am hopeful for the future, but for that hope to prove true, we cannot just hope, we have to take action and let that hope guide us in getting us up and making our dream happen.  Every day should be a gift not a burden.  If your days are a burden, then you should begin to question what it is you are doing and trying to do and how well you are treating yourself and keeping your self in mental and physical order.  No one is to blame but ourselves and that is a goddamn fact.

note to self: GET THE FUCK UP AND GET BUSY!!!

finally after much conflict with font and fade, my poetry section is done.  There are flaws, I tried to make it perfect but it was just too exhaustive for me to keep doing.

The theory of love is something I had always been interested in.  Falling in love was something I wanted and something I had always dreamed of having, but I never thought of love and hatred on the same level as one another.  After being in and out of relationships and such I started thinking about what all of it had meant in my life from beginning to present.  I wanted to explore the opposite of love, which is hatred.  I never “really” wanted to explore hatred but I seemed to have been driven to it so as an added bonus I wanted to focus on the sensation of hatred and how it is similar and different from love.  During my period of being “in love” I experienced extreme elation and increased perception of things around me.  After falling out of love, I never seemed to like that person anymore and took it extremely personal each time.  I thrived on that dislike until the grey turned black and I began to hate relationships.  I began experimenting with hatred as a form of elation and form of perception.  I began to like the dislike.  I liked hatred just as I had liked liking.  For me this wasn’t so miserable as one could imagine so, but in my tiny little mind I wondered if I could like again just as I had liked before I was tainted with love’s little secret of dishonesty.  I tested and tested, trying out new relationships every few months, failure after failure, disregarding the fact that I had really been screwed over.  I disregarded lightly only because I had received the blow before and knew a little more of how to handle the afterwards part of it all.  Fast-forward to now and I see myself as completely at a halt in my beliefs toward anything.  I neither hate nor love, which according to Dante is worse than one or the other.  I see myself detached from any particular sex now, which some consider bisexual, but really it’s more a form of asexual because I don’t feel much anymore for any type of relationship.  Where I am getting at is because I detached myself so much from my feelings to study what I was feeling, I became without feeling.  I became so sick of feeling great and feeling bad because the two seemed to just run back to back in a cycle from periods of falling in love and falling out of love.  I am slowly finding ways to love my surroundings again, but I must say the experience left me somewhat damaged inside.  With any theory, there will be a process of discovery and a process of finding our way back to where we started just as water does in the water cycle.  We are all like glaciers on top of a mountain slowly melting and forming rivers, trying to find the ocean, but until we get there, we must enjoy every moment and not searching for something beyond our capabilities.

The following quote is from Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein.

“I see by your eagerness and the wonder and hope which your eyes express, my friend, that you expect to be informed of the secret with which I am acquainted; that cannot be: listen patiently until the end of my story, and you will easily perceive why I am reserved upon that subject.  I will not lead you on, unguarded and ardent as I then was, to your destruction and infallible misery.  Learn from me, if not by my precepts, at least by my example, how dangerous is the acquirement of knowledge and how much happier that man is who believes his native town to be the world, than he who aspires to become greater than nature will allow”

We search for something we want in this life, but until we realize we will not find until the end, we have to find ways of being happy and that includes focusing on the now and not focusing on our future wants.  We are unhappy as a nation because of our habits that we have always been taught.  For me that habit was relationships, which turned bad because of who I was.  Now I am attempting, the best I can, to reestablish a connection with nature and myself that I once used to have before I set out looking for the perfect girl.  It will find it’s way to me in time; I just have to get on my path first then while on my path I will spot someone who is going the same way.  Never meet anybody coming the other way.  That is my feeble attempt at explaining a theory of cycle.