Being social is something I have often felt pulled into, yet drawn away by it's power.  I say this in a very evocative way.  I am captured by the moment of hearing someone speak to me and me speaking back reflecting and recanting what I have just heard.  Processing information from someone is something I long for because not only does this help me grow, it helps me establish who I am in terms of what I really think and how I really feel towards listening, processing, feedback, and not only that, but how I feel about opening up myself to others.  I can be very fragile, even though I don't seem so.  I normally do not admit my fragile mind, rather I tend to act tough about things.  Sometimes I find myself talking to a lot of people at one time and then come home and feel empty from my thoughts, because everything I just said wasn't what I really wanted to say, it was only something to say because what I need to say is too deep for anyone to listen to or for anyone to care much about.  I sometimes stay quiet or "generic" because of this.  I want to dive deep in conversation with someone, but sometimes I guess it can be hard to get someone to sit down with you and talk about it.  I have found a simple way of getting over this, just by shutting the fuck up and getting down to business and working as hard as I possibly can on projects.  My projects reflect everything I've wanted to say to someone, but because of time or social pressure, did not.  I've got something to say, but no one will hear it because it's all gone into art.  I do not like to be branded as "antisocial" or "stuck-up".  I simply just have too much to say for someone to sit there and listen to me.  Anyways, just a thought I wanted to express, as tonight was very social.

Paralyzed with fear
I wanted you
in a way I've never wanted anyone
anyone but everyone
but you

I watched you standing there
there you stood thinking about something
something so foreign to everybody else
everybody else but me

I knew
but how could you have known
you had no idea

I sat and reasoned with my fucking brain
made up every fucking excuse in the book
to not say a word
I just sat and did nothing

You finally walked away
leaving me with myself
and all that could have been

You stopped like you had forgotten something
I smiled
you turned around and came back
I was filled with joy

you turned around came back
and back
and back
towards me
closer
closer
looking at me you looked towards me
towards me I saw you
approaching closer and closer
and then
you were gone.

just like that. you left like a dream.

My face is staring at the wall

to the left the sun is looking at me through the window

the dust is settling in the room

the dust is moving in the room

upwards

floating

sideways

against my face

slowly I turn towards that window

my motion stirring dust

sucking dust towards me and swooshing it back out

I am facing the window

it's dark outside

I look up and there hangs a light.

Nothing more than a little dangling light above my head.

I smile and get back to work. 

burning for moments of clarity

burning for the days I see blue

I was seeing you for the longest time

but now all I see is myself and my mind.

It took a while to see for myself

what myself looked like

if all I had was myself

no you, only I.

I do not feel alone in this isolation anymore

I feel not alone in this room I have made

I feel not alone in this corner I have crawled

I feel not alone without you anymore

for I am no longer a part of you.