The power of any subsequent idea lies on any experience or happening that came before that thing that made it powerful.  I see all that I see from all that I have seen and all that I want to see comes from dreaming of seeing things while seeing all that I was seeing, so all that I see is something that might never be.  Sometimes I just want my dreams to burst like a big bang, shooting in all directions, so I never have to think about it so much.

Happiness is something I constantly struggle to achieve.  That struggle that happens is what makes me unhappy I think.  I know where to look to find it, but where I have to look is somewhere that involves hard work to make it there.  People tell me to do with what I have and I understand what that means, but when I want something so bad, I can't just drop that dream and settle.  It's human nature for me to go after what I want.  The idea of settling with what I have and doing with that just seems a bit canned for me in that my head has already been filled filled with so many dreams, I just cannot settle with the rest of the world.  Everyone that I talk to knows me, but has no idea of what I am capable of.  There of course has to be a starting point, but to say that you have to gradually build your way up is a bit narrow.  I understand that in most cases this is true, but I am not working for a corporation, I am working for myself and the general human condition.  I think everyone is just so dead set on how things are supposed to be in America, that they forget that there is a choice.  I know who I am and I know that when I feel something is off according to what I believe in, I stop and really think about what I am doing and then I go from there instead of doing every little thing for a paycheck.  I guess people have to do what they have to do to get by and that is fine, but when you are doing something and don't know why you are doing it, then I think it's time to look in the fucking mirror and figure out who it is you really are and what you want, exactly what you want.

Been studying for the past few days in supercollider, hard things in there I must say.  Steep learning curves are always something I have trouble with, but the more confident I am in getting over them, the faster I learn it.  Besides learning new computer languages I have been studying business models to support the music I have been making.  I have been thinking about getting a normal 9-5 job.  I don't know yet because I am afraid if I do that, then my drive will be a drive for money and not a pursuit of art.  I don't want to get too comfortable with making money for a corporation so a corporation can turn around and pay me the shit earnings I deserve more of.  I am an artist of sorts, not a person who kisses ass for men with little taste.  I understand credit and all of that shit, but there is another way for me to do what I love and do it legally.  I know the business model for that, it's just working hard at it to get those earnings so I can support my pursuit of art while making the art.

My tired helps me make my tired

a tired like no other tired that I have of this world

a tired kind enough to let me rest

in a world of tiredness

underneath most of our caffeinated instincts

that help us block out what is trying to tell us 

what we know

but don't want to know

I can drink the black

but I can't be consumed by the black

I let it go into me

and somehow...through that 

I can be at peace

while the light makes everyone black.

Last night on my ride back home from starbucks, I listened to "Of Course" by Jane's Addiction.  Actually I am listening to it again as I write this at starbucks.  It is such a delightfully childish experience.  To feel like a child again on a creative level is important to me when writing music.  Finding things out of the ordinary and smiling about it is something I try to accomplish on the daily.  I find that all of my brilliant, or what I consider brilliant, ideas come to me from having a childish mindset in a world I obviously know what exists, but to find something even better, we have to detach our mind from what we already know and come up with something entirely different.  For me that is my child in me that is still wandering through me trying to tell me dreams I have long forgot...