I remember waiting for church to let out.  I remember asking the time to go away and come again with a time of my liking.  I remember everything but believe nothing.  This is my life.  There is something more real than a sermon.  There is something more real than life itself.  there is something surreal but nothing real except for one thing.  Death.  It's funny because death always seemed more surreal than anything, but as I get older I realize how surreal everything really is and all we have become and all we believe.  Do we really need these promises of eternal life.  Do we really need someone to tell us god is waiting on the other side to take our hands and guide us through anything we go through.  Do we really need to feel these things.  To feel like something has control for us even though we are spinning out of control as a result.  I let god take the wheel from me for a while but soon realized I was going to crash because I didn't believe anyways.  I do not know if a god is real, but I do know that everyone has become so numb to reality, it's fucking ridiculous.  It's all magic to everyone.  It's all candy and blue.  It's all...going to be okay.  I always wondered what it would be like to believe in nothing, even though deep down I knew I didn't believe, I just made myself believe that so much I became numb to my own self.  It took time to feel myself again, but as I came to my senses and really looked at who I truly was, I did not like what I saw.  I do not like believing in nothing, but I still don't believe.  I do not believe because it makes me feel good about things, I believe because I believe, but that tells me I have never truly believed because all those times of believing, I only believed because I was a part of something bigger.  It's a sad thing, I know, trust me, but I would rather stay true to who I am than to lose myself in something that isn't real.  I like to feel real, but feeling real isn't always easy on the heart.  I feel sad most of the time, mostly for other people, because they only believe because of their situation, so I think to myself, would I really start believing if I didn't have what I had.  If I was in their shoes, would I really keep this sort of thinking.  The answer of course would be yes, I would have to force myself upon these beliefs to keep myself alive.  I keep myself alive with my hope.  I keep myself going with my music.  I keep myself alive with my poetry.  I keep myself alive with my feelings.  I keep myself alive with me.  I feel good about who I am, but these beliefs always linger in the back of mind of who I once was and that is what makes me feel shitty about who I am.  If I never knew these things, I think I would stand a chance of truly feeling satisfied.  I am constantly thinking, what if I am wrong, what if all I lived for was a lie and that thing I thought was a lie, was truth.  It's a gamble, just as everything in life is.  There is something beautiful about all of this.

We were on our way out the church doors as we perpetually did every sunday as I noticed once again the sticker on the church doors that read something like "god is great", but the sticker was for people reading from the outside so I always read it as dog instead of god.  We were on our way somewhere for a sunday afternoon spent somewhere where people would typically go on a sunday afternoon.  On our way we got caught in traffic, but this wasn't your typical "church is letting out" traffic, this was your "I wonder what happened up ahead" traffic.  As we sluggishly approached the scene, we spotted a hill with a road.  We travelled up the road to get a glimpse of the "scene" in hopes we could figure out what the traffic was all about.  On top of the hill was more fellow "alike thinkers" looking for a good view to gander the scene.  We quickly spotted what had happened.  Looking over the ledge, we spotted a two car collision.  Both cars were totaled, but what we saw was something I always think about ever since I saw what I saw, and this was 15 years ago.  A man was screaming in the front seat with glass shattered all over his shirt as a women lie motionless beside of him covered in blood from head to toe.  The man's legs were crushed and he couldn't move as onlookers gasped at the horror they were seeing.  I didn't know what was going on, so I asked my dad what that was that happened, and he told me that the devil had come through.  I remember believing that.  I spotted a board or something in the seat that had ripped through the seat and I imagined that was what the devil used to attack.  At the time I didn't know the woman was dead, but the man is what scared me the most, his screaming and crying.  As I grabbed ahold of my mother to pick me up, a lady around 50 came over and asked if anyone has seen her daughter and my mother, knowing that this was most likely the woman's daughter, pointed to the accident and the lady ran down crying.  Of course I could not process what was happening, other than the man screaming.  I never really processed a lot, but when I did process, I processed something that I would always remember.

Jumping forward to now, I have had other occurrences with death, but nothing this brutal.  Nothing has really caught my attention as much as death.  The brutal reality of death is real and to me not so much the bizarre part.  It is just something that happens, something that we know for sure is going to happen.  That is why I cannot count on a "maybe so" existence of a god.  I wasn't scared of the woman laying dead in the car, I was scared of the obvious thing, the man screaming.  I am not scared to deny something I do not believe in, or have a part of in my daily life.  I am scared rather, of the obvious thing, living a life that is dictated by something I do not believe in, even though for years it wasn't obvious until I stopped listening to other people.  How can we understand ourselves if we listen to other people.  We have to first cut out influences to figure out who we really are, if we haven't already been changed by what we grew up knowing.  I knew, but I didn't believe.  This is why I do not believe in a "god".  Knowing how much people use each other and feed off of each other and how fucked up we are as a result, I cannot take the popular route, because the popular route is infested with these people, just as I have learned.

Figure out how to actually live, there are great ways and great people to share it with.
You don't have to believe in nothing, my point is to live a life that is you and not somebody else, even if it means losing a couple of friends.
Go find yourself and change the world for the better.  Not all people who believe in nothing hate the world, even though that isn't a very accurate depiction that media portrays, but there is still a lot of love and light out there.
Go and find it.