I can't tell if you see me
Like I see you
Like I like you
Like something
Something touching
My mind touching you
Like you don't realize
And hopefully I dont realize
Because it's all a guess
A guess is a guess
Until that guess
That little guess
Becomes your touch
Like that touch
That little touch
Becomes my touch to you
To you I might be nothing
But a touch untouched
And all that could have been
Oh what could be before the time
The time after a neglected touch.

I am funny.  Most people are miserable being alone, but I am happy.  It's when I get too close to someone, my misery begins.  I was once the type of person that could be manipulated and controlled, kind of like a machine.  I know now that I can control the machine without making up a bolt to the bigger machine I like to call corporate america.  Most people in this country are so fucked they don't even realize it.  That's for another rant though.  Anyways, I like being away from people, but when I need some good anger to draw from, then I start talking to people.

Sometimes I wish for something a little too unreachable.  Those wishes become something I talk about too much, whether in subtle, or quite obvious ways.  My wishes turn into investigation, and investigation sometimes gets written off as mere gossip.  I do not think too much about possible possibilities that could come from doing this.  It is dangerous, or risky (socially) I should say.  When we begin to want something, we talk about it, but for this kind of thing, only a fool would mention it.  Silence is sometimes best.

Theres a window I know

3:00 o'clock ticks the clock

the clock, my window

shines a bright stretch of beaming sunlight

across the wooden floor to my face.

Upon my face the day's star stares at me

blinding me in a room of dark.

my room of dark with a spot of bright light

light bright enough to blind.

I've become familiar with this friend of mine

this friend of mine in one square

letting me know there is relief under this red rock

this red rock ironically being cold and dark.

the world of cold and dark disappears under my red rock.

under my red rock, the sun shines through my window.

my window has become my oasis in the world of my desolation.

I've always been a pretty relaxed guy, not letting a whole lot bother me, but for the past few years, or year rather, everything has bothered me to the highest degree.  I know why this is so, but that doesn't help ease my angst towards certain groups of people and certain ideas.  I don't necessarily know if I'm being held back by this or being pushed forward by this angst.  Since having this angst, I feel encouraged to fix certain problems this country in particular has.  I feel like I could be a teacher, of the not-so-conventional kind, obviously.  On the other hand, I feel like trying to fix a problem like what this country has, is, in a way, a lost cause and would be like a bug smacking into a windshield, only to be wiped off.  I am not the smartest guy in the world and I know that, I have a lot to learn, still, but I also have a lot to teach that I have been taught, or rather taught myself, through finding information out on my own and developing myself without someone else developing it for me.  A mind cannot be manufactured in a school, a mind should not be manufactured.  A mind should be free to think freely.  Of course with free thought, comes heavy criticism, but that's the price you pay for anything done that isn't manufactured by something "popular".  Popular doesn't mean right and keep that in mind if you are reading this.  Mcdonalds is popular.  Get my point.

I took the machine
gripped the machine beneath the fists
I picked the machine up
slammed the machine down
down into the ground the machine lie
splattered in its own mechanical parts

the shiny parts disrupted from it's pieced together
human together-pieced shiny craft it once was
was once only once upon a time
a time that stopped the machine
was crafted by me
my destruction
only a split second between order and chaos
for the shiny machine had been destroyed
by my chaos.

Being social is something I have often felt pulled into, yet drawn away by it's power.  I say this in a very evocative way.  I am captured by the moment of hearing someone speak to me and me speaking back reflecting and recanting what I have just heard.  Processing information from someone is something I long for because not only does this help me grow, it helps me establish who I am in terms of what I really think and how I really feel towards listening, processing, feedback, and not only that, but how I feel about opening up myself to others.  I can be very fragile, even though I don't seem so.  I normally do not admit my fragile mind, rather I tend to act tough about things.  Sometimes I find myself talking to a lot of people at one time and then come home and feel empty from my thoughts, because everything I just said wasn't what I really wanted to say, it was only something to say because what I need to say is too deep for anyone to listen to or for anyone to care much about.  I sometimes stay quiet or "generic" because of this.  I want to dive deep in conversation with someone, but sometimes I guess it can be hard to get someone to sit down with you and talk about it.  I have found a simple way of getting over this, just by shutting the fuck up and getting down to business and working as hard as I possibly can on projects.  My projects reflect everything I've wanted to say to someone, but because of time or social pressure, did not.  I've got something to say, but no one will hear it because it's all gone into art.  I do not like to be branded as "antisocial" or "stuck-up".  I simply just have too much to say for someone to sit there and listen to me.  Anyways, just a thought I wanted to express, as tonight was very social.