The last couple of days have been pretty uneventful. In fact, every part of myself is becoming uneventful, every part of what I used to be. I have killed god away, killed relationships away, killed social status away, killed every part of what I once was away. I have stripped myself naked, stripped myself to nothing. Underneath it all is nothingness, why did I never realize this. You see, I have killed away the old, and now I am new and alive. I'm alive to possibility, limitless possibility. Nothing can stop me now, no god will, no relationships will, no social standing will, no fucking being in this world will take me away from myself, because you can't take anything else, I have already done that favor for myself. I have no self-pity, rather I have pity for you, for believing all of the lies. Underneath it all is one big goddamn lie. You don't believe me? truly ask yourself if you believe. Now I am trying not to be pessimistic, because actually I am very optimistic and my art will show that in due time. Less is more and the less I believe, the more I can live without lies, and the more I can embrace my existence. Every religious institution, every relationship, every politician, every government, every social gathering, underneath it all is nothing but sadness. No one is happy anymore, just look around. This is a new age, time to get happy and time to strip yourself of all that you thought was certain, because you know what, nothing is certain. Forming my own mind one step at a time is a challenge, when the tv is on, the radio is playing, the billboards are being displayed, the newspaper shows up at the door step, the air being tainted, the father beating, the mother crying, the child watching, the son stopping, the doctors committing suicide, the ambulance rushing to the scene, the cop arresting, the soldiers bloody battered and worn, the meth lab blowing, the rent not showing, the money being taken, the fuckers across the street, the bitch next door, the cheater on the hill, the asshole shoving his dick down her throat, the moth fluttering in the road dead, the blood on my lip, the statue falling, the hills tumbling, the ground shaking, the cars smashing, the explosions waking. All of this consuming. Just when I thought it was all gone, I looked somewhere I never looked before. With tears on the floor, I look up and see


someone

reaching

grabbing

pulling

holding

closer

closer

closer

no space in between now




If only it could be that way...nothing is certain, nothing ever can be, maybe something exists, maybe it doesn't. I'm still hanging in there, but I'm not waiting anymore. I believe it's about time for someone to do something, might as well be me. I am nothing for now, at the bottom I look up. I am looking still, trying to notice if the light is getting wider. It fades and grows. That is life, until the end.

Keep going my friend.
Time will see better.

Just made my first pot of coffee. I was going to starbucks for a while, cut the habit, now I want to drink it without going. Cheaper, less gas, less time, more money in my pocket.

For quite some time now I have struggled with the existence of a so called god. Over the years I have accumulated an educated opinion on why I think god is or is not real. I understand faith, I do, but simply believing in something is not practical enough for me, it might be for some, which is fine, but I myself have made the decision of following nothing. I am not out here to prove that god does not exist, but when I hear people telling me what I need to do and how I need to live, I want nothing more than for the them to shut their mouth and get away from me. Now on the other hand if people want to have a conversation about a god, then I am up for understanding why they believe what they do and they can know why I believe what I do. I think having a god in society will be here forever, so it is important for believers and nonbelievers to accept differences. So my advice to any religious people that believe in a so called god, is to go ahead and get it out of your mind that you will spread the word of god, because face it, people are stubborn and will believe what they have believed for years, there is no changing anyone. Live your life according to how you want to live and keep it a personal thing. No disrespect, just sayin.

I'm going to make something that will change things. All I need is a room of ones own. A piano. A strong imagination and sense of creativity. Its going to happen. Soon

Fell through my deck tonight and hurt my leg. Gave it a good scratch. My muscles ache which isn't good, hopefully it won't affect mowing. If only everything in my life didn't fall through...

Keep going, its the only way out, you know this just as well as I. Dream and care for those dreams. Put them in a jar and protect them. Make them yours. When the time is right, scatter your ideas all over the world. Big bang.

An older, more mature woman would be nice