Been studying for the past few days in supercollider, hard things in there I must say.  Steep learning curves are always something I have trouble with, but the more confident I am in getting over them, the faster I learn it.  Besides learning new computer languages I have been studying business models to support the music I have been making.  I have been thinking about getting a normal 9-5 job.  I don't know yet because I am afraid if I do that, then my drive will be a drive for money and not a pursuit of art.  I don't want to get too comfortable with making money for a corporation so a corporation can turn around and pay me the shit earnings I deserve more of.  I am an artist of sorts, not a person who kisses ass for men with little taste.  I understand credit and all of that shit, but there is another way for me to do what I love and do it legally.  I know the business model for that, it's just working hard at it to get those earnings so I can support my pursuit of art while making the art.

My tired helps me make my tired

a tired like no other tired that I have of this world

a tired kind enough to let me rest

in a world of tiredness

underneath most of our caffeinated instincts

that help us block out what is trying to tell us 

what we know

but don't want to know

I can drink the black

but I can't be consumed by the black

I let it go into me

and somehow...through that 

I can be at peace

while the light makes everyone black.

Last night on my ride back home from starbucks, I listened to "Of Course" by Jane's Addiction.  Actually I am listening to it again as I write this at starbucks.  It is such a delightfully childish experience.  To feel like a child again on a creative level is important to me when writing music.  Finding things out of the ordinary and smiling about it is something I try to accomplish on the daily.  I find that all of my brilliant, or what I consider brilliant, ideas come to me from having a childish mindset in a world I obviously know what exists, but to find something even better, we have to detach our mind from what we already know and come up with something entirely different.  For me that is my child in me that is still wandering through me trying to tell me dreams I have long forgot...

Yesterday I decided to go with my mother to run her errands.  I sat in the backseat looking out the window just thinking.  I like rides like these where I can just look out the window at the world in a place where I can be safe on the inside.  After about an hour we returned to our street and our driveway is of incline to the point you have to hold yourself tight so you don't get flung to the side of the car.  I was listening to a film score from Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross titled "almost home".  The whole time I tapped my finger to the song on my iPod and could really feel the song's rhythm and meaning.  When we approached the front of the house and my mother aimed the car towards the incline, I braced myself for keeping the beat.  We hit the beginning of the incline and it jared me but I kept rhythm through intense concentration.  I was almost home but was jared a little.  I felt like this applied to my life and what I have been through so far.  I lost the rhythm of myself for a while and now that I am almost home with myself, I have to be careful not to let my rhythm go.  Or should I? Should I stop the rhythms and lose myself and become something else entirely?  Or should I keep myself and all that I mean... or does any of this really matter?

I want to live...I want to breathe, I want to see things and I want to see things with you.  I want the rhythm of myself to be something that means something to someone and to myself.  Maybe we should all stop our routine rhythms and start over for ourselves.  In a world that means nothing anymore, we have nothing to lose.

I am tired of misfortunes while trying to create fortunes.

It is warm today, I'm out and about, with a freshly washed/cleaned car.  Fuck it feels good.  All of the troubles that I seem to be dealing with are just set aside for the day because it's way too nice out to complain.  There is only one problem, I want you here with me.  I had nothing, but now I have something and that something is unreachable at the moment.  I would cross the seas right now if I could and there is nothing holding me back really but we must play this smart.  Today is just one of those days where you feel like the earth has just rolled over and everything is better.  If only the earth would roll you over to my end of the hemisphere.  Oh what have we got ourselves into you and I, it's only torture.  This torture will not last too long though my dear, let's just wait it out.

An opportunity to be happy...