Do you ever just have a day where you wonder why that day feels significantly different, depressingly different.  It all seems to crowd from behind and swallow us with one attack like it was an unexpected outcome.  I am having a day like that.  It feels like I felt one year ago, with the cold weather starting to come in.  I am particularly worried about this winter.  The winter before I went through a little depression, but I have been struggling the whole summer to the present with keeping myself from falling apart.  I am severely burnt out on life right now and am at the point where I do not want to keep trying, but I know I have to keep going.  Between the demands of my online schooling and my home life, I am not happy.  I do not study what I wish to study, and I do not live where I wish to live.  I cannot be content with my life when I have fucking images in my head of something better.  Goddammit it won't go away from me.  What is in my head will not leave me alone until I get to that place.

Bang my head upon the rock

Dripping blood mixes with the dirt

becomes dried upon the earth

to learn that nothing stays fresh

just like that it all dried up. 
It will.

Battling time
time trying to make me
Me make my time
always a pressure to make

Wind whips hard upon me
my face is becoming burnt
upon the side I am always trying to show
move my face to the other side

I go back for more always
Addiction making me want more
Making me make more time for more
time for more time for more time

The cycle goes on

Time battles
time travels
with or without
always leaving me broken and bruised

When I look into myself I become scared
I really have no idea where I have gone...I feel nothing anymore.
Slowly I am becoming like all I never wanted to be, the enemy of feeling.
My drive is becoming less and less every time I evaluate
My evaluations are thorough and I can never find anything shiny
I pull through everything to get to myself, but nothing comes up, only crumbs of what I once was.
Where have I gone?
The only thing worse than dying is being alive and feeling nothing
Maybe it is because I am living a not so adventurous life.
Or maybe something is wrong with me mentally.
I don't know how to keep faith anymore and frankly can't save up money.
My ideas are still thriving through all of the mess though
My art is the only ticket to a better life.
Focusing hard.
The only thing left.

Interacting with people is a good thing.  Always look for people with similar ideals to make conversation with.  Not only will it help fill the gap of questions you have been wondering, but making friends somehow puts something in you that is good and makes you feel great.  Solitude is nice, but a good conversation is great.

I have decided that I am going to pursue the arts a little further.  It has been a small dream of mine to study something I love at an art school.  I really liked the art institute museum in Chicago, so it would be amazing to go there, but of course that costs money.  I would just like to really dive into what I love doing and create something extraordinary.