over the course of a few years I have come to realize what it is I think I should do with my life.  There is no definite answer, as everything is changing constantly and evolving into things we would have never considered before.  For the past year I have had a goal of what I ultimately want to do.  It's been difficult figuring out how to go about achieving this dream, and it still is and will be a very big challenge.  Until recently I have finally figured out exactly how I am going to go about doing this.  Here is my plan.  I am writing this for myself.
-go back to school for a year (two max)
-study science (engineering to be specific)
-at the same time save up money for a move to L.A.
-also at the same time keep making cool stuff, music, visuals.
-move to L.A. as soon as all of this is taken care of.
-begin doing shitty volunteer jobs for the film industry.
-let one shitty job lead to another but do great at doing shitty jobs (the jobs no one else will take)
-move up to better, even if no pay jobs.
-get my first paid job at a really low position.
-make contacts.
-start making bucks.

All of this isn't even music related really, but I have a plan in my mind that only makes sense to me.  I have learned with music, that I do it for love and passion.  No money.  No bullshit.  Just me.  I'd like to be able to earn a good income in L.A. enough to free my worries and focus on music at the same time so I can toy around with live shows and such.  The engineering will help me with electronic music and synthesis.  Also, I might even want to make contacts in the sound department and maybe try out at scoring films.

Anyways, this post was to remind myself of these things so I can work toward them and be able to look back at this and think oh yeah! that's what I'm supposed to be doing.

The best way to make sure you are still alive is to just try and do something that makes you realize you can feel still.  For me, writing poetry helps a lot.  I just write whatever, reading words in my mind as they come to me and just trusting my brain to sequence the words in a way that is coherent and beautiful.  It seems to be working, or maybe it just makes sense to me.

fractal thoughts cover my brain

making my mind and time seem

to be not so important to me,

only left for another day to leave to another day.

Take it all away and I

and I am left with something

something that wasn't different

different from what I had built upon

build it all on top of one another

and find that it is all the same

the same whole is the same as each particle

particles contained to make the whole

we fear what has already happened to us

to us is a big deal

but getting down to it

we are all a little bit of a big deal.

fractals of the universe.

I've been hit with realization that I do not know how to handle talking with people when it means the most.  I have always been this way about communication, going in and out of eye contact, looking around as if uninterested, even though I want so hard to lock into them.  This happened today and it was a little awkward because it was a cute girl.  I probably came off as an asshole, but what can I really do about it now.  Side note.  I've been doing nothing but working and waking up early/going to bed early...every day. I want to move away from here so badly, but know that if I did I would be coming back or hanging out somewhere I would not want to be, somewhere else.  Music is in me no doubt, as well as beautiful images. This is my play, my quality, my area of pursuit.  Not another way to make money.  I make money mowing lawns and I am happy with that.  When I hear someone tell me I might reconsider working on music because the music business is hard to get into, all I want to say is shut the fuck up, you know nothing about art or "dropping out" of society and forming your own collection of ideas.  This is of course being said in a very non-teen-angst kind of way.  I love who I am and am not willing to give myself up to something I love for money.  and to conclude another post, I must say I am always cutting to the point and never making poetic posts anymore.  Guess I am using it all up in another area.