I have been working in reaktor a lot here lately, that and trying to get acquainted with using reaktor with the lemur.  Serious stuff it is, but I do not have a serious enough career to put it to use.  I feel silly with all this expensive equipment right now, almost as if I skipped steps to get what I want.  It's alright though I have learned.  It just pushes me that much further to get on to what I want to be doing in life.  I am being forced to learn complicated technology this way, without the barrier of an institution leading me in my development as an artist and musician.  Some might say this is ridiculous but I like to give a shot at something different, and I am certainly becoming more disciplined this way.  I have never been one for tradition, so this is far from tradition.  It's liberating.