The last couple of days have been pretty uneventful. In fact, every part of myself is becoming uneventful, every part of what I used to be. I have killed god away, killed relationships away, killed social status away, killed every part of what I once was away. I have stripped myself naked, stripped myself to nothing. Underneath it all is nothingness, why did I never realize this. You see, I have killed away the old, and now I am new and alive. I'm alive to possibility, limitless possibility. Nothing can stop me now, no god will, no relationships will, no social standing will, no fucking being in this world will take me away from myself, because you can't take anything else, I have already done that favor for myself. I have no self-pity, rather I have pity for you, for believing all of the lies. Underneath it all is one big goddamn lie. You don't believe me? truly ask yourself if you believe. Now I am trying not to be pessimistic, because actually I am very optimistic and my art will show that in due time. Less is more and the less I believe, the more I can live without lies, and the more I can embrace my existence. Every religious institution, every relationship, every politician, every government, every social gathering, underneath it all is nothing but sadness. No one is happy anymore, just look around. This is a new age, time to get happy and time to strip yourself of all that you thought was certain, because you know what, nothing is certain. Forming my own mind one step at a time is a challenge, when the tv is on, the radio is playing, the billboards are being displayed, the newspaper shows up at the door step, the air being tainted, the father beating, the mother crying, the child watching, the son stopping, the doctors committing suicide, the ambulance rushing to the scene, the cop arresting, the soldiers bloody battered and worn, the meth lab blowing, the rent not showing, the money being taken, the fuckers across the street, the bitch next door, the cheater on the hill, the asshole shoving his dick down her throat, the moth fluttering in the road dead, the blood on my lip, the statue falling, the hills tumbling, the ground shaking, the cars smashing, the explosions waking. All of this consuming. Just when I thought it was all gone, I looked somewhere I never looked before. With tears on the floor, I look up and see


someone

reaching

grabbing

pulling

holding

closer

closer

closer

no space in between now




If only it could be that way...nothing is certain, nothing ever can be, maybe something exists, maybe it doesn't. I'm still hanging in there, but I'm not waiting anymore. I believe it's about time for someone to do something, might as well be me. I am nothing for now, at the bottom I look up. I am looking still, trying to notice if the light is getting wider. It fades and grows. That is life, until the end.

Keep going my friend.
Time will see better.

Just made my first pot of coffee. I was going to starbucks for a while, cut the habit, now I want to drink it without going. Cheaper, less gas, less time, more money in my pocket.

For quite some time now I have struggled with the existence of a so called god. Over the years I have accumulated an educated opinion on why I think god is or is not real. I understand faith, I do, but simply believing in something is not practical enough for me, it might be for some, which is fine, but I myself have made the decision of following nothing. I am not out here to prove that god does not exist, but when I hear people telling me what I need to do and how I need to live, I want nothing more than for the them to shut their mouth and get away from me. Now on the other hand if people want to have a conversation about a god, then I am up for understanding why they believe what they do and they can know why I believe what I do. I think having a god in society will be here forever, so it is important for believers and nonbelievers to accept differences. So my advice to any religious people that believe in a so called god, is to go ahead and get it out of your mind that you will spread the word of god, because face it, people are stubborn and will believe what they have believed for years, there is no changing anyone. Live your life according to how you want to live and keep it a personal thing. No disrespect, just sayin.

I'm going to make something that will change things. All I need is a room of ones own. A piano. A strong imagination and sense of creativity. Its going to happen. Soon

Fell through my deck tonight and hurt my leg. Gave it a good scratch. My muscles ache which isn't good, hopefully it won't affect mowing. If only everything in my life didn't fall through...

Keep going, its the only way out, you know this just as well as I. Dream and care for those dreams. Put them in a jar and protect them. Make them yours. When the time is right, scatter your ideas all over the world. Big bang.

An older, more mature woman would be nice

Lying in bed with a mind full of images
Images of everyone I have known
Images of places I've been
Places I want to go
People I wish to meet
This thinking has kept me here
My hope is alive

Chaucer once said, "love is blind". He was right. It's easy to sweep what we don't like about a person under the rug and love them anyways, but this blindness is really upsetting when we open our eyes to see, especially when the person is not who you thought they would be. Isn't love a funny thing, ha.

Finally beat my dads ass in rummy, fuck yes!

Crumbs spread out on the floor
Cracked bitter hanging door
Wide open now
The chill slipping in

I'm tired of the games
Obviously this will go no where
As long as you treat me like shit
Like I don't exist anymore
Like you don't need me
Fuck it
I have to not worry
And live my own life

Watching someone slip away like I once did is tragic, especially when they know I can help, I can't help you anymore, you've gone too far away for me to reach you. You know I am still here, but you are over there, in a tiny little corner of your world, feeding yourself with want and desire. You can't do that if your going to try to survive. You can't see the things you can fix, but you don't have the wisdom to understand the things you can't. You are dead, face it. Turn to me and you will be alive, nothing else will give you life, trust me. The world is full of shit. I have learned this through what I have gone through, just like you. Let go and live. You deserve to.

Got a haircut today. Pretty drastic one, I guess back to being short again, tired of long hair.

Got to thinking earlier about how I'm going to establish my life. Seems a difficult task, but with patience and effort, it will be done. Work hard, eat right, stay in shape, and challenge authority are main components in doing this. Money is obbviously key as well. My plan right now is to work hard, study, learn, understand why I am here

Always fucks with my mind when I see someone getting with the wrong people
Cant help but wonder why
someone we use to know
always ends up in the gutter
look at me
look at you
here I am
there you are
something
nothing
or nothing
and something
I have lost my will of childishness
haven't lost my wonder
only wonder why
this is how it is
too much to know for now
guess I'll be waiting to see
One day
Will it all go away
Will it all stay
for once
I'm begging this
to something

I'm trying to catch you from falling too far
in the quicksand you sink
with your hands above your head reaching
I'm trying to grab ahold
Reach just a little more
Almost there, I'll get you out
Don't worry
Soon.

My dear I'm writing this to let you know, if you read this, that nothing will stop me now. I have taken shit from so many fuckers, been beat, worn out, and tired, but I am left here standing all alone in this field of mine, taking everything I see as bullshit, but you know what? That has changed nothing. I know what's its like to feel this pain, to feel the torture of your own mind gripping you like your a ragdoll being tossed around in a box of shit. Know one thing. I am here more than I ever was, prepared to get you out of your quicksand, but slowly, its not going to be easy, but you can count on me not ever giving up. I've lost, but I have the most important thing still to win.

Kinda tired of everything, but I also realize that it will be ok, battered, torn, confused, I am nothing now, but I will be something when my time comes

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Fucking scary as a child

Strapping time to your chest
You wait in line for the rest
Sometimes you have to skip a little
In order to survive yourself

I miss you so so so so much and would give anything for you to feel better

I've gotta try something new in my life, us both. Wallowing around seems to be what we do best, but all of that will be over soon. Time to get our lives on track and be all that we can be, so we can make each other happy. This will get better, I promise.

Ever get that feeling like you know something is wrong with your life, that you have no idea what you have done or are doing. Kinda like the day starts over on the same day, it's that repetitive. I don't like knowing I'm going in circles, and I don't like thinking that I am stuck here for a while, and I don't like knowing my job fucking blows, but it's the only thing that will help me, cash wise. The only thing I have to look forward to, for a while, is seeing you every night, but even I know that will not be all the time. I am beginning to get sucked up in myself again and that is a bad thing, self pity. Oh fuck, I need a vacation seriously, I mean listen to me, I sound like a spun around washed up junkie that has quit, that's not me, I never quit, but I'm just tired of sitting around repeating the same routine. If I could pick out my dream life right now, this would be it...

Living in LA

Near a beach

With musical material

Piano

Her

Cat

Computer

Money

Job

Time to write a book

Ocean

Camera

Car

Her

Her

Her...

Dammit

I remember it quite well...the odor of pot high in the air, thick as fog, the women all passed out around your ankles, the occasional mosh pit or two hits you. Ahhh what a night that was. Seeing Perry Farrell standing beside me and watching Tool perform at the same time had me wondering how the fuck I got in that spot at that moment in time, with those very people. I am the only one that remembers probably.