Went to gas a bees nest today and as I approached the nest I felt that feeling for those bees when you get in trouble in elementary school and you are directed, no ordered, to the principles office immediately, no time to think, no time to say sorry, no time to correct. I poured the gas in and heard the burp of liquid filling the hole, destroying these busy little, yet powerful creatures. Usually the problem is coming to me, but this time, I came to the problem.

I'm sitting on my side porch feeling a little better about life again. For a while there I was starting to scare myself. I looked in the mirror too long and forgot about the beauty that lies outside. Outside of me, there is nothing, unless I am nothing, then there is everything. I am happy right now though with all that I have here with me. And that is you

I run through the wall

run through the hall

just to see it again

I always see it again

I just want you to be happy and I have no clue how much more I can do. Please feel better, I'm starting to drown again.

Day 47: I need away from this place of familiarity

just you and me leaving

leaving to a place of happiness

a place away

away from this place

just you and me

Went to Walmart at 12 in the morning covered in thoughts. Heavy mind thoughts I had as I was getting my hair gel and cliff bars. Searching through I found what I was looking for and went to pay. I paid and the lady asked if I had a penny, the cost was 9.01. I said nope, no penny. She turned to gather up all the change for me. I looked at her as she was scraping up 99 cents from the register and told her that I liked change anyways.

grr, must find a way to get there, but how I ask? I've been mowing forever and seem to see no other lucrative job available for me. I really want a piano and my own place, my own musical room to write. I need an ocean to walk down to every day. I need inspiration everywhere I look. I need a place I know I could be noticed. I need someone to hear what I have. I can do these things, if I knew you could go to.

Saw Toy Story 3 last night, this morning rather, and I must brag on the genius of Pixar. I was left in a wondrous state. I was really impressed with the beauty of the 3D and the overall atmosphere was filled with wonder, I loved it. Rex was cute and all the others were just as I remembered. Really brought me back to when the 1st movie came out, ha the same year my Grand Prix was made. After the movie my girl fixed me a grilled cheese :). Just a great night of childhood nostalgia at it's best.

Was stung by a bee yesterday while mowing a yard

For once I felt something

I'd much rather feel something than nothing

It hurt, but felt good to feel again.

I'm so tired of all the bullshit you put me through. Using every excuse to get to me, to talk to me. You know you know I think your full of shit, so why do you keep on keeping on with the bullshit. I am a fool, but I can still see through you so easily. Your so thin to me now and what was once thick suddenly thinned out when I realized all of your schemes. No strings attached you say, I say fuck you, you don't even have the tickets anyway. Your such an idiot you would go and buy them for me just because I want them now. You need time to buy them, but don't worry your such a dumbass I don't want them. If you read this, then you really do want to talk to me and here from me just like you said you didn't want to do.

Time to wake up

time to stretch

time to doze back off

time to wake up

time to crawl out

time to water down

time to dry

time to dress

time to lay around

like a baby in it's nest

Time to fly

everything is coming round full circle

Day 35 of my new life and I feel good to be alive and hopeful. My dear, you are the one.

Inspiration is in and out for me. I believe I allow inspiration to come to me only when I allow it. I do not believe inspiration is simply going to come to you if you don't let it. The reason I know this is because inspiration is everywhere, we just have to allow ourselves to see that in a beautiful way with true intent in finding something extraordinary through something ordinary. It's like light and dark. If we fill ourselves with all the dark we cannot make room for the light. It's only when we make a conscious decision to allow the dark things to pass and allow the light to stream in. We are creatures of habit and we look for things to fill ourselves with to combat loneliness or whatever the case may be. We fill ourselves with things that make us complete, even when it seems wrong, such as alcoholism, just to pick one. If we really want to live we need to allow ourselves to destroy our habits and pick up healthy ones, and part of that for me is finding habits of inspiration. Another thing that I find important is keeping energy for yourself. If you are going down the road and someone passes you and flips you off, then you vent all day about it, you are giving that fucking idiot your time and energy, energy that can be channeled through something positive and constructive instead of deconstructive. Like I always say, it's just a matter of doing it and living according to how you really want to live.

today threw me way the fuck off my normal pattern

sluggishly wake up at 7 a.m. morning humid sun sit back drive coffee spotting runners in the road cop car escort driving school 8 hours of my day nap time 2 hours then a jog at the track with no shoes cleaned up came to starbucks NO WORK! NO GIRL TIME! going to swing at the park and listen to a mix of mine

Long fucking day period.

Waiting to see her tomorrow :) my love

Realizing my fear is an illusion, I know you feel the same, I always know that. It's a new day :)

I hate days where my unhappiness controls my life and the only thing I can do is cry, I fucking hate it, but I try, so hard, I hope you know how hard I try for you, sometimes I'm not sure if it's enough, I don't know how harder I must try. I will never leave, I got scared today thinking what if you left me. Fear controlled me today, but it was much more than that. I love you so much and I'm scared someday you wont feel that way anymore. I can't control this fear because it always happens to me and it has happened too much. I want this to be different, permanent, always. I will keep trying for you, so hard, no matter what I do. All I ask is your love in return, that's all, real love, not crush love.

-d

Get the fuck off my blog and find yourself

It's a shame when the parts fit but the machine won't work.

Pleasant day, now it's time to greet the one I love