All alone I am beginning to feel the winter touch again.  It's starting to touch me with distance but enough to let me know its there.  I almost feel like I have a place here with this lonely night.  I feel connected to the nothingness and feel so disconnected from meaningful.  I want so bad to tap into myself and pull out the real me that's telling me to keep going for it.  The real me would never do anything like this and the real me would never have stayed here for this long.  I am in the dark asking myself what the hell am I doing right now.  I am doing everything I never wanted to do.  I am an American.  I am a slave.  I am a liar.  I am not free.  I am not brave.  I am not feeling anything.  I am not alive.  Wake me up me.

trying so hard
to try so hard
to try to try and try hard enough
to gain enough strength to begin to try.

you know what I'm talking about
oh you bird with no wings.

there are just some ways which you can't convey what it is you are trying to convey.  Apart of this for me anyways is boredom, or routine syndrome.  I actually try to routinely convey something, but stressing a time limit on a point of thoughtful babble seems to contradict what is great about conveying something special in the first place.  There are so many points in our life that we can't comprehend right then and there until it's sequenced so far and then we can find an answer.  It's all about the sequence of our life.  Something might happen one day but mean nothing, then the next day, because of yesterday, today becomes something it wouldn't have been and yesterday takes on meaning and sense.  We reach a certain point of expression at the end of whatever it is that is in completion or nearing completion.  That is when we come up with something special.

Sometimes I feel so out of touch with what society wants from me.  I have learned by keeping distance, i further myself from the bullshit it brings.  For example, I do not believe in god, but to society that is just totally unacceptable to believe in nothing, after all you have to believe in something right?  wrong, you don't have to believe in shit.  In America, there is not one authority that can force a god on you, and if that happens, then legally your allowed to fuck someone real good.  A lot of people don't like me because of the things I say and the fact that I totally don't believe in a god keeps people away.  I have days worth of proof that the existence of an actual god being is likely not possible.  I don't go around showing people though unless they force their god on me.  I don't have a problem with peoples beliefs, but when a belief is thrown onto me, I throw facts at them.  Those facts are rejected by unrealistic opinions.  I guess I'm just a little tired of being told that god will take care of things in time.  time isn't something to fuck around with, especially when doing nothing and thinking something will happen lingers in your mind.  Now.

A cat died today.  Our cat.  A cat unlike any cat I've ever come across.  Wild from birth, tamed by life.  Scared of everything until learning it had nothing to afraid of, until today.  I woke up to fluid in a box and stumbling cat, so I knew something was happening today after months of cancer affected body.  Convulsing body in waves was enough for me to go to Starbucks to take a break from such flutter of life, but what was I needing a break from? I was learning in those moments.  I watched this cat spend its last moments of life trying to live more than most human beings live in a lifetime.  I could see in her eyes something she knew was not normal and she became scared.  I watched a cat come to life for a brief minute  and go into a coma.  Her attempt at something so undetermined in the end made me feel something I knew I would someday know.  We will all someday know what it means to live, and that day will hopefully not come during the last moments of life.  But now.  The urgency of living has never been more urgent than now, because someday we will all gasp the deepest breath we know how to breath and we will breath no more.

A month of realizing something
a month of tantalizing nothing
spinning me around stopping me
pushing me forward, sideways I go.

I am dizzy, I am sick
I am I for one month
monthly I's having already passed
the month of I's in which I feel myself doing something.

I can't see straight, I can't walk up, I can't walk back
back I do not go, ahead in something I am determined
until my sideway step trips me up
smiling, I stumble to the ground

Humble as I for this month of I has left me.

over the course of a few years I have come to realize what it is I think I should do with my life.  There is no definite answer, as everything is changing constantly and evolving into things we would have never considered before.  For the past year I have had a goal of what I ultimately want to do.  It's been difficult figuring out how to go about achieving this dream, and it still is and will be a very big challenge.  Until recently I have finally figured out exactly how I am going to go about doing this.  Here is my plan.  I am writing this for myself.
-go back to school for a year (two max)
-study science (engineering to be specific)
-at the same time save up money for a move to L.A.
-also at the same time keep making cool stuff, music, visuals.
-move to L.A. as soon as all of this is taken care of.
-begin doing shitty volunteer jobs for the film industry.
-let one shitty job lead to another but do great at doing shitty jobs (the jobs no one else will take)
-move up to better, even if no pay jobs.
-get my first paid job at a really low position.
-make contacts.
-start making bucks.

All of this isn't even music related really, but I have a plan in my mind that only makes sense to me.  I have learned with music, that I do it for love and passion.  No money.  No bullshit.  Just me.  I'd like to be able to earn a good income in L.A. enough to free my worries and focus on music at the same time so I can toy around with live shows and such.  The engineering will help me with electronic music and synthesis.  Also, I might even want to make contacts in the sound department and maybe try out at scoring films.

Anyways, this post was to remind myself of these things so I can work toward them and be able to look back at this and think oh yeah! that's what I'm supposed to be doing.