Have been so uninterested for a while, in part due to my lack of belief that the weather has nothing to do with mood. I used to think that, maybe still do, but the point is, I'm ready for summer! Speaking of which, last summer was so amazing. The other day I came to a point where I just began to dwell on last summer. I began to get excited again about this summer. Wow, went twice to Florida, went to Lollapalooza in Chicago, went to virginia beach, and a beach in south carolina. Sounds expensive, but it was fairly cheap, considering the fact I didn't go alone. My days are starting to become pointless again, but the sun is out today and I am back to feeling my ambition. The cool thing is that for the next few days it will be like this. I'm sick of winter, well this winter. The worst one since '96. I'm wearing my Philmont scout ranch shirt, which was another past summer event that I want to do again, and it feels great being able to wear something other than a sweatshirt. Hopefully come summer time I wont miss winter!

For most of a man’s ordinary life, time seems to suggest no urgency in finding a way to make change happen, or progression to stir itself around in a whirlwind of hope and happiness.  Sometimes for a human being to discover truth in an unrealized matter, a change of thinking must occur first in order for action to occur in life.  I was driving down the road on an autumn day and discovered, upon arriving at a wobbling stop sign, a pile of leaves being stirred up.  I watched for a few moments as the wind began to pick up these leaves with such vigor as this invisible force was made known to the world through the appearance of a whirlwind of tortured dead leaves that had already been through the cycle of life and had fallen to the ground to decompose into the earth.  These dead leaves were brought back to life by an outer circumstance that shaped the response of what was once inside.  As with any other special experience, it leaves one realizing they were dead, but now alive.  

It's been a while since I've posted anything, in part due to so much that's been going on and preparing itself for the future.  Often times I find myself becoming trapped inside myself, not letting anything come out, or not letting my art prosper in it's rightful place, and that's where my loneliness sets in.  If my art is dead to others, I am dead.  That's where I have been, dead.  As I sit here in Java J's downtown Bristol, Va listening to a guy by the name of Anthony Wayne play his heart out, I am realizing again how much I have inside, and I need to let it all spill out in someone's heart, not just mine.  I love moments when all I can do is cry.  Sometimes I am so dead and want to feel alive, I look at something and make myself cry, just because it is there and it exists for a reason.  The very insignificant thing I am looking at has potential and it makes me cry that I am sitting back as a human being not doing anything to make a difference, and I look at this object as if it can do something, but even it can't.  I guess that's why I cry, because what I see can never feel, if only I knew why then I would do anything to help.  As a young man motivated by his emotions, I stand to say that moments when I cry are the most cleansing experiences to me.  When I cry I feel alive again.  Feeling alive is my ultimate goal, not just for myself but I want others to feel alive for the sake of living and helping others live.  That's where I have been, dead.  I feel more alive, that's where I'm going.  See you there 

I told God I didn't know anymore, and prayed, so this is what I got

Instead of being dogmatic about religion, be open and pray to God and have a relationship with him.  Thank him for what he does and focus on the small things he gives us in the course of our day.  Trust in him and he will dwell in you giving you satisfaction and happiness that will ultimately lead to spreading this joy to others.  Write about the small moments.  Take pictures.  Play music.  Smile :).  That makes me appreciate God more, seeing what all he does for me.  People give God a bad name but its people who are to blame, not God.  God waits patiently like a rose waiting for water.  People are unhappy because they continuously search when the solution is already there and has been forever.  It's free and convenient.  Fills you up like a car needing gas.  People think you have to read the bible to believe.  I believe God shows me things which made me believe.  If I screw up , I learn, whereas people who read the bible and assume they believe never experience it, so its fake.  Go out and explore, dig deep in a relationship with God in your mind.  Talk to him, he's a good friend.  I was put here to speak my mind, heart and soul.  God is in my mind, heart and soul.  I have to keep dipping my heart into wax, never letting it dry.  I have to show people my joy through art.  This is my calling

-I wondered today about God, this is what I got from his beautiful way of speaking to me, heart to heart.

-Days like this make me think, make me cry, and make me open my eyes.

-I want people to know the beauty in simplicity and imperfection God shows me on this earth.

-I felt hopeless today, but somehow I came out hopeful, this is why I love life.

-Some people love finding ways that God doesn't exist, me I like to find ways in which he lives, those people are miserable.

-Look, he's all around.

-I know now.

I used to have dreams (still do) where I try to run away from something but my legs won't allow me to run any faster and whatever is behind me closes in.  I feel so trapped inside my physical body because I can't do anything about the mess I'm in.  Today kind of felt like that.  I was driving down the road and needed to make a left hand turn.  I got a green arrow (don't mistake for a green ball) and made a left.  I noticed a beat up car easing out to make a right on the same road I was attempting to get on.  The lady was supposed to yield to me but kept going, apparently not seeing me one time (keep in mind this is an old lady who was wearing glasses).  I stayed in the left lane as I watched her and thought to myself, "this lady better stay on her side", well as soon as I thought that,  she comes over to the left lane and hits my right side (btw the sound of a car on car isn't the most pleasant sound in the world, so for your ears sake, stay out of wrecks).  Anyways, I pull over into a parking lot as I'm saying to myself, "what the fuck was she thinking".  Another word of advice, never drive away from the wreck, always stay put lol I obviously did the opposite of that, but I stopped and she came over and pulled beside of me.  My adrenaline was pumping at that point so I got out of the car and the first thing I said was, "you do know I had the green arrow", well immediately a man and a women stepped out of the car and said, "respect your elders", well I didn't have to respect her when she was telling me I was in the wrong.  So we calmed down and spoke over it reasonably and I called my parents for them to come down because I have never been in a wreck before.  So they came down and 30 minutes later so did the cops (apparently they were too busy collecting money from people who don't give signals).  The cop collected both stories and both stories were conflicting.  The lady had convinced herself that she had the green light and I had the solid green on my side, so she said I had to yield to her.  I didn't blame the cop for saying he doesn't know who was at fault because there is no evidence for either story.  The only evidence was how the car was hit and he said if the insurance companies went by that, then I would be at fault!  So that's when the rage came in to play.  I had felt like I had been fucked so hard up the ass and couldn't do anything about it, figuratively speaking.  I knew I was right but couldn't do anything about it.  I guess that was my first life lesson of many to come for me.  Today I realized the reality of growing up, dealing with everyday issues that are out of your hand.  Facing the fact that your right, but not being able to prove it is a tough pill to swallow, but unfortunately that's how it is, and now I know this so far.  Im willing to bet I'm going to have to deal with more shit like this, but to me being a grown up is dealing with a these situations in a light-hearted manner.  I have to keep myself still until stuff like this passes, then I can move again, or would it be more reasonable to keep moving anyways?  Questions like these are going to come up for me at the most unexpected times.  Shit all I was trying to do was attend a free meal friday to feed my empty belly and what I got was a belly full of societies lies.  I certainly am looking forward to more of these inconvenient occasions, but in the meantime I have some music to create, so in a way, unlike my dreams, I can still run faster than what is being presented behind me.  I must keep moving and aiming high, or else I will go down with the rest of the people who have given up, like the liars who hit me today. :)

I happened to be in english class today and discovered a wonderful poem of human nature in my view:

Richard Cory

Whenever Richard Cory went down town,

We people on the pavement looked at him:

He was a gentleman from sole to crown,

Clean favored, and imperially slim.

And he was always quietly arrayed,                                           5

And he was always human when he talked; 

But still he fluttered pulses when he said, 

"Good-morning," and he glittered when he walked.

And he was rich - yes, richer than a king

And admirably schooled in every grace:                                   10

In fine, we thought that he was everything

To make us wish that we were in his place.

So on we worked, and waited for the light,

And went without the meat, and cursed the bread; 

And Richard Cory, one calm summer night                             15

Went home and put a bullet through his head.

                                       Edwin Arlington Robinson (1869-1935)

Richard Cory seemed to be an admirable man, quite respected in the community.  Taking the old version of what gentleman used to mean (a man born into wealth), it seems to me this man had everything he could possibly want.  He had the looks, the wealth, the grace, the humanity, and the education to be a happy man.  I believe that was the problem, he had everything he could possibly want.  When someone has everything, what more is there to want.  You see we are a creature built and wired to want.  If we have nothing to want things begin to become dull, and a dull life creates nothing more than self-pity, or loss of interest.  I believe that the poor are in such good spirit, not because of they are content, but because they have hope, they have hope just as these people had hope of being like Richard Cory.  What I have realized is being content is the best possible solution for happiness.  Take Victor Frankenstein for example:

 “I see by your eagerness and the wonder and hope which your eyes express, my friend, that you expect to be informed of the secret with which I am acquainted; that cannot be: listen patiently until the end of my story, and you will easily perceive why I am reserved upon that subject.  I will not lead you on, unguarded and ardent as I then was, to your destruction and infallible misery.  Learn from me, if not by my precepts, at least by my example, how dangerous is the acquirement of knowledge and how much happier that man is who believes his native town to be the world, than he who aspires to become greater than nature will allow.”

You see, when people want, it gives them hope of achieving what is wanted.  What people do not realize is the fact that just like this man who killed himself, they themselves will fall under the category of despair.  When they get what they want there will be nothing else.  The pointless cycle for humanity never stops, but being content with life is the best possible answer for the achievement of happiness.  No life isn't happy all the time, but it's always going to be beautiful and I think people have forgotten the beautiful aspects of life.  The part where your driving down the road and you see a beautiful cloud in the sky.  The part of life where you wonder, you just let your mind go.  Its easy to stay in a certain mindset, but in order for the truth to be known about things that are really beautiful, you have to empty your cup of opinion and emotion and focus on the small beautiful things in the course of your day. It is more prevalent than ever that society has become materialistic with all the celebrity figures.  Celebrities are just like Richard Cory, they have everything, but they are unhappy.  They have forgotten about the small moments that make living beautiful.  Embrace the small times and enjoy life as it comes.  Life is beautiful and I live by that everyday to reassure myself that I haven't forgotten what life is.

Carpe Diem: New art must form to heal

Beside the cactus I wait, like a rose waiting for water,

only the rain has yet to come in my barren state.
I'm parched with emptiness,
Hoping tomorrow will bring plentiful rains.

I wait for the sun to rise again,
taking for granted I will live another day.
I plan my schedule weeks in advance,
Don't I have enough for a day to handle?

I have seen the water before slide down the rose petals.
Why can't I be like the rose, beautifully waiting,
drinking humbly, leaving the rest for the ground?
Why is it when I imitate the rose, I fail?

God puts us here to fulfill his plan,
He gives us the tools we need to accomplish it
What, then I ask, is the rose's purpose;
does it not have a plan like the rest of us?

Sitting on a sidewalk, I picked up a rose.
It was parched, so I gave it water
I handed it to a lady, does the rose have a purpose now?
New life begins by opening the cactus and drinking its life
Spring is here again!