Freedom

capture pieces of my mind that once were.

Monday, May 31, 2010

?-?-1994
Location: The Duplex

My mother had just fallen asleep as my eyes showed no sign of getting heavy. At the time my mother and father had a waterbed, which I later busted. I laid with eyes open and mind open to anything, my mind a crystal clear ball that had not been tainted by the fucking I received by all of life thus far. I could see anything at the time, I knew so much, now I know so little. I watched down the hall of the duplex, the light burning at the end from the glows of the television where my dad nestled half the night. I just looked down the hall hoping my eyes would grow heavy and shut like heavy lead. I thought of how my dad always told me to count sheep and that would make me fall asleep. At the time I knew that did not work because I was restless and nothing could put me to sleep, and nothing did that night after what I saw.

I continued watching, staring at the faint white dot starting at the end of the hallway, growing. The dot grew and grew until it went from the shape of an orb to a full grown figure. When it was full size and completely grown, it made it's way slowly down the hall, towards me. I watched in horror and gazed down the hollow eyes of the figure. The figure was white, but oddly shaped in no particular pattern. The face was black with hollow eyes. The ears dangled like sheep ears and the nose looked like the nose of a camel. It had a sheep head. I let out not one cry of fear, but a million cries inside that I didn't want the figure to hear. It came closer and closer until I couldn't take it anymore, I rolled over on my other side hoping that would make it go away, only to find another figure just like it standing in the corner on the other side of the room, standing right beside my mother. I was rattled and afraid but mindful of what it was trying to tell me. The sheep like figure stood there pointing, just pointing. Beside it appeared a television on a rolling stand. The television was a normal sized television with no particular significance until the television turned on. Something significant played on the screen and the figure just continued standing pointing for me to watch the screen. The screen was playing something I cannot recall to this day, but I do know that it was trying to tell me something. The significance of the video playing is one I am unsure of, but scared of due to the uncertainty of it's importance. I grew from curious to terrified again, so I buried my head in my pillow. When I buried my head I continued seeing the image of the figure in my mind just like when you see a bright light after you have stared at it for a while in your mind, then it suddenly fades away. I waited a few minutes until I turned around on my other side again facing the hall. When I turned thinking it was gone I was rattled again and found the figure coming down the hall, only feet away. The whole time I had looked at the television, the other figure was continuing it's way to me down the hall. I didn't know what it would do to me, so I closed my eyes, got up out of bed and ran down the hall right through it into the den where my dad was nestled. I ran to him and didn't say a word, only cuddled up to him in comfort and stayed with him until he went to bed. Later on in my life, after a disregard to the event, realizing is was a product of my imagination, I overheard my parents talking. I overheard them talking about these two men who were doctors and committed suicide together after a stint of depression. I then started thinking about the reality of this particular event and wondered if the two figures were these two men, trying to tell me something they knew that would be significant in my life or significant in general. I have been frightened by this unknown source and unknown information and sometimes wish I knew what was being played on the television, but other times I realize I am better off not knowing. I wonder if my imagination was just at work, or if this event was as real as the sun. I will never know, but one thing for sure is I still get chills thinking about it and one day I could just have another particular event such as this, only next time I will have learned to pay more attention. Put it this way, I have never had the desire to count sheep at any point in my life after that event, to fall asleep to. I only wonder if those two unfortunate men ever got there rest, maybe, maybe not, I can never tell.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Cracked a grin today for all that I've seen, been through, known, felt, heard, and cried over. Felt good to finally be able to sit back and laugh at it and realize it's okay from now on.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

1 million miles a way
or so it feels................................


Friday, May 28, 2010

Goodbyes are hard. 1 year exactly since I entered the world. I hate being reminded of that, and I hate being reminded that one day all of this will pass between us, death will always win, but until then grab my hand and let's go somewhere together, not forever, but as long as we can live.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

I really want to take the time to write about something a little more beautiful and positive than my recent posts. There's a girl, a girl who knows what it's like. This particular girl is my oasis in a dry desert land, a land filled with turmoil and trouble. We both know how it feels and for the longest time I have felt alone. I have found the one who I thought never existed, the one who can feel me, and I can feel her. I am so grateful for life again, life with you.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

If I have learned anything in the past 3 years it is this

Keep yourself
Never let ideas dictate who you are, especially religion (I am talking to you)
God is not religion
religion is a trap
Find yourself if you haven't already
Travel
Forget about it, I forgive you (yes I'm talking to you)
Move on and find beauty in the world
Make it your playground
It will get better (you again)
I suggest you become more dependent on yourself
Keep confidence in yourself
More importantly, start over
I think you need to
Start by saving all the money you can
Just say fuck it sometimes
Be comfortable with uncertainty
Be willing to think for yourself
If you think your stuck think again
That is bullshit, no one is stuck
Get out and see for yourself
There is more than this city
Trust me, there's a whole world
Don't listen to anyone but yourself

P.S. I always knew dave was full of shit and I think you did too
Don't be full of shit (you know who you are)
Never oversimplify
but never overanalyze too much
Be a student
an observer
think
create
act
or else your dead

Monday, May 24, 2010

tick tock goes the clock
aloft the walk we talk
behind the curtain we fall
to the grave that sees all

tick tock goes the sun
orbits high tree-line for fun
bending shadows stretch far
until one is but a star

Dim light fades
then clammers to life again
the fluttering butterfly in the road
oh its the wind and the wings

No life left lit
burnt to the ground
in ember such has found
still warm to the touch

Tick tock goes life
amidst the covers
no hiding in the dark
with faulty flashlight

Tick tock the clock doesn't stop
for anyone willing to flitter
but flatter flop see the end
heavy showering of dense dark dirt fills

Soils the earth
the corpse
beneath the turmoil
Feeds to life left living

The space in between
Live life with vigor, but until then
Grab your girl, turn to the sky
never letting these days pass you by

Sunday, May 23, 2010

I love feeling alive and here lately I feel pretty alive. Though it's nice to feel alive I always try to figure out how I feel alive or what it is that I can feel alive more often. I like to identify how to put myself in a position where feeling alive is present I can feel it all over. It's difficult to feel alive sometimes, and the opposite of alive is dead, but at those times I realize that even though I'm dead inside I'm still alive physically. I still have hope during those times and I know that during those times I can be alive again at some point. As long as I'm not physically dead I can try to be alive as much as possible. Being alive is essential. Cherish life. Feel life inside and you will be alive. It's a simple act of trying, finding, and being. The most important part of living is being honest. I try to keep that in mind. No matter how simple things may seem, be thankful your alive and honest. I know I am and it feels so good.

Friday, May 21, 2010

It would be nice to escape daily challenges to be with you all the time. Think about it, a life with no worries, only a few, and a simple life with each other. Sounds impossible, but after all the seas do part sometimes, just like you put it. I'm not clueless, I know what goes on in this world, but I do know that possibility isn't impossible with you. If we tried I promise we could have the life we both want so much. We will in time my dear, I promise. Nothing will stop us.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Think For Yourself

Time is the strangest thing to exist. When you think something will happen in a week in happens two years later. The delay in between was one big existential funk for me, but that is all over now. It is uphill from here. I still believe in my art and I believe in you my dear and those two things are a success for me and what has made me so happy. Lets go somewhere together and I'll show you how to live just as you have shown me I can live again.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

5/7/10
5/12/10
5/16/10
6/1/10
Today I'm bring home the rose, the rose I should have brought home a long time ago. I found a rose that was quenched with water and blossomed with pink pedals and cut it, 3 to be exact. I never could seem to be able to find a rose. I looked all over for 2 years too long. I waited dry, but today I found one for you. I waited for the rose to give you and waited for you. Our time is here. Thank you for life again. The sand can go away now for my may is here with no cry to wish it away, only a knowing it is here to stay.

-5/16/10

Monday, May 17, 2010

I have all that I've wanted here with me right now

You are my life

My sunshine

Just like your fortune cookie said, you have given me light amidst the darkness of these times

I'm here to stay, I promise I won't go away

Our light is brighter than the sun

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Light has been something missing for quite some time for me. All I see sometimes is darkness in this world, but there is also light somewhere I just don't know where. Here lately I have found that light I have been looking for for quite some time. It was only when I stopped to recognize it has been there all along I was just too afraid to see. Light makes the world turn around in different angles and perspectives, but there seems to be one perspective I'm interested in at the moment. I have found a million things to do, but there is one thing that makes me happy. You.
My life is about to see the rain and feel it all over

The dust is gone

You my dear are what I've been looking and waiting for all these years

Thank You.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Communication is a tedious thing sometimes, and with communication brings miscommunication. I'm not sure if I communicate well with others, but all I have to say is communication is only effective when one tries to make it effective. You have made it hard for me to communicate myself, and quite frankly I've been hurt, so don't think I'm an asshole.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Apparently I have more to say than I thought

Someone once told me that I was the quietest person that had the most to say

Saturday, May 1, 2010

I do not know how to write this one, but I will try. Sometimes I wonder what life is. Life can be too abstract sometimes to realize what it is. I was born May 17, 1991. What was so significant about my birth that I have yet to figure out. It is all too confusing anymore, my purpose. Today is one of those days where I ponder at my existence and wonder where I am going and who is going to know. I discovered a beautiful song today, it is called plants and rags by PJ Harvey. It is so beautiful, a song that makes me want to cry and watch the clouds roll over the earth. There is so much shit out there I hardly know what is real anymore. I am the only one I know. I know nothing. Or something...

yours truly,
whoever I am
Abortion. I am so fucking tired of hearing about the controversy, but I cannot help but put my thoughts into the whole thing. I happened to be sitting at Starbucks and a man who is running for congress comes in. A lady with an open mouth shows up and recognizes he is running for the position. She asks what is his take on abortion and he says he is against it. She blows and cuts the conversation, which then turns into a dispute. The point I am getting at is I am so tired of people being so narrow in their fucking views. Everyone I know has an angle and sticks with it and never backs down from it. I believe in flexibility with views. I do not consider my views to be any higher than anyone else's and I am certainly not lifting myself up, but there is a point where I just cannot listen anymore to the bullshit. It all comes down to this. Instead of angling one way or the other and cutting through the maze, we need to, as a group, come together and educate. In the meantime I say keep abortions happening and as education rises watch the decrease in abortions. I am willing to bet that after an increase in education, there will be fewer people having them. At this point, America is so clouded with opinions they fail to see the solution to the problem. It seems people are doing more of that here lately.